Advice in Love Relationships » cheating

Excess & Addiction: how to help our children & ourselves

drwelpton — Sun, 19 Jun 2011 21:11:38 +0000

I discuss with Ernestine Hendricks on WTWG 1050 AM how to teach our children through our own lives how to combat excesses and addictions by not giving in to our compulsions–eating, drinking, drugs, sex, gambling, smoking among others. We are the models our children imitate and emulate. We need to develop and maintain well functioning boundaries with ourselves and with others. The famous French philosopher Pascal said that most of man’s problems come from the inability to sit quietly in a room alone. Sitting quietly leads to meditation and introspection. We are compulsively busy to avoid the silence that brings us home to ourselves. The Delphic oracle told Socrates his task: Know Thyself. I have a good friend who says there are three things in life that are very hard: steel, diamonds, and to know thyself. When we know ourselves and can own our problems we change. When we embrace our demons they no longer control us. To find true peace take charge of your own life and be responsible for everything you think, say, and do.

Does an Affair Mean You Should Divorce?

drwelpton — Tue, 15 Mar 2011 02:34:13 +0000

Feeling enormous pain, shame, anger, and hurt when you are betrayed by your spouse’s having an affair leads commonly to feeling you want to divorce. Is this the best reaction to follow? Is it what’s best for you? Is it what’s best for your children? Give yourself time enough to calm down and think rationally rather than blindly following your feelings. Ultimately, the decision is yours.
I have counseled many couples who recovered from affairs. Many of them had better marriages because they learned to share more and not to put their heads in the sand hoping the problem would go away. A main problem leading to affairs is the reticence for spouses to discuss attractions to other people, using the discussion to be honest with your spouse and work to keep fidelity between you. Affairs arise out of the need for talking, for greater emotional connection more than for having sex.
Recovering from infidelity requires a commitment for healing to take place. The offender needs to listen to the pain and anger and hurt of his/her partner and needs to validate it by taking responsibility of having been unfaithful. He/she needs to make amends by apologizing sincerely for the affair and commit to not repeating this behavior.
Asking for forgiveness is a huge step toward healing and putting the pain and anger behind you. Forgiving your spouse is an act you do to help yourself. Holding onto your resentment thinking you will punish your partner is like taking poison thinking it will hurt your partner. Cutting the cord of resentment frees you to go on with your life. Your body and nervous system will thank you for letting go of the pain and anger.
You can create a new and better marriage. You can improve your communication with active listening and empathy for your partner. You may find support with your friends and in your church where people can offer you caring along with support for your marriage.
Hadley Finch and I discuss on her Blog talk Radio show “Tribe of Blonds” about how to recover from affairs and how to avoid them.

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Falling in love is easy; staying in love is hard.

drwelpton — Wed, 09 Mar 2011 02:52:34 +0000

Paul Moore and Kim Jones, co-hosts at WVVI, 93.5 FM, ,St. Croix, Virgin Islands discuss with me the challenges of marriage.
It is a challenge to change your dysfunctional mindsets like when you realize you believe a good marriage should not have conflicts or arguments. You avoid discussing the issues that cause you pain and end up getting divorced because your conflicts have not been resolved.
It is a challenge to be a divorced mother and a single parent to your children even while it feels better than remaining in a painful marriage.
It is a challenge to remain faithful in a long term marriage when there are temptations to have a romantic experience with a different partner causing you to wonder what that would be like.
Marriage confronts us with ourselves. Are we willing to commit ourselves to facing the conflicts that every marriage creates so that we can grow into becoming the best that is in us?
Can we say no to the temptations to take the easy path?
Falling in love is easy; staying in love is hard.
The path to transformation is straight and narrow.
Truth and commitment mark the path. Love is a commitment, not just a feeling.

You can Recover from Infidelity. Marriage is Not Obsolete.

drwelpton — Wed, 23 Feb 2011 19:11:03 +0000

Ernestine Hendricks and I discuss common challenges in marriage including infidelity and why marriage is not obsolete on www.WTWGAM1050.com.
Affairs are a prominent cause for divorce in today’s marriages. Affairs arise from disconnection in a marriage. Spouses stop talking with each other, stop sharing what’s important. Women feel loved and valued through the connection that comes with sharing. Men want to feel respected for their opinions and their achievements.
When we stop feeling loved, valued, respected, or appreciated we tend to go elsewhere. We find someone else when we don’t discuss the problem with our spouse. Someone else is always available. Invariably there is someone else who is searching for love or respect.
There is an old saying: “Money goes where it’s treated best.” The same is true for people. We gravitate to where we feel appreciated, valued, and loved.
Sexual affairs are not as much about sex as they are about emotional connection, about feeling wanted, desired, respected, and valued.
Infidelity begets a raft of excuses. We justify it because of what our spouse did nor did not do. The very act of needing to justify our behavior speaks to our guilt and shame. Infidelity is a failing to honor a commitment. When we dishonor a commitment, we dishonor ourselves.
The love we lost or dishonored during the infidelity can return. I have seen it happen. Reconciliation is hard work. There is much pain and guilt and shame to be digested. Both partners have their work to do. Blame is not the issue. If blame remains the issue, no reconciliation will truly occur.
With God’s help love can return. It is the grace of God that we count on to rehabilitate and restore us, to rise beyond our failings, to become the best that is in us.
The kingdom of God is within us. We need to grasp it, grapple with it, and express it. We can recommit ourselves to a failed commitment. With God all things are possible, including repentance and the resurrection of love.

Sex Addiction, Lust, and Pornography

drwelpton — Sat, 12 Jun 2010 18:34:57 +0000

Being a sex addict is not an excuse for lust or compulsive sex. Admitting you are a sex addict is the first step toward recovery. Recovery is a challenging process of weaning. The addict must learn to give up acting on impulse. He must give up the feeling of entitlement that he has a right to whatever he wants. He has to develop the boundaries and discipline to say ‘no’ to himself before engaging in sex, before touching, before flirting, before exchanging glances, before fantasizing. He must learn to focus all his romantic and sexual feelings on one woman only, his wife or his partner.
My client Jim was sexually abused by his mother and his stepfather as a very young child. By age nine Jim was sexually active with his peers. Lust has been a source of struggle his entire life. Jim has a good marriage to loving wife and he is a caring and involved father with his children.
Nevertheless, Jim struggles daily with his impulses to use pornography and to flirt. Lust interferes with his living up to his ideals as a man and a husband. On occasions he cannot resist using pornography, following which he feels “dirty and disgusted” with himself, full of shame that feeds his underlying sense that he is worth-less. He used to call himself a “dorky kid.” When Jim constrains himself and maintains his abstinence from porn, he rebuilds his self-image and self-respect until his next “slip” takes him down the slippery slope all over again.
Our society promotes the false idea that lust leads to good sex. Pornography is a big business as are magazines like Playboy and Hustler. They lead young people to believe that pursuing lust will lead them to having a good sex life.
Young men are particularly susceptible to pornography and lust. Men are very visual. We are attracted by sexual images that stimulate lust. We imprint on our early sexual experiences, and we become bonded to those images. This process is like the bonding of birds and animals to their mothers or primary caretakers. A baby zebra, for example, becomes bonded to the pattern of stripes in front of its eyes during the first minute of life. Following her instincts the zebra’s mother circles her newborn constantly during the first minute of its life so the baby will bond to her and come to her to nurse.
Having bonded to these images adolescent boys and adult men try to re-create them in their sexual experiences. I have counseled men who prefer to masturbate using pornographic images than to have sex with their wives. I have counseled men who try to re-create their early sexual experiences with their wives like the ones they had when going to a bar and a motel for a one night stand. I have counseled people with sexual problems who have been told by their counselors or therapists to watch porn together to stimulate their sexual lives. They reported that they did become aroused but did not end up more committed to one another.
Our society contributes to sexual addiction by supporting the idea that lust leads to good sex. Sexual addiction can be an unintended consequence of promoting lust and pornography. People, especially young men and women, need to be told the truth: lust does not produce good sex. Lust leads to more lust.
Good sex is about more than an orgasm and a temporary high. Good sex is about a relationship with your partner, whereas lust is focused solely on yourself. Our focus in lust is what our partner can do for us to provide excitement and a high. Lust does not lead you to care for your partner. Lust is the antithesis of caring for your partner. Lust does not lead to love. Love is focused on your partner and your relationship. Love arises out of caring for your partner. Love is to want for your partner what you want for yourself.
The time has come to speak the truth to young men and women before they get hooked by lust and develop sex addictions. They end up using sex to get high and relief from shame and feeling unworthy only to experience more shame. They do not learn how to be intimate, how to share themselves, and how to build a relationship with their sexual partner.
For more information on this subject see other articles on this website, recordings on this website posted from radio shows, my Ezine articles, and my Facebook page: http://www.facebook.com/home.php#!/AttractLoveIntimacyandMoney?ref=sgm.

Tiger Woods: affairs admission opens way to an honest life

drwelpton — Tue, 01 Jun 2010 18:18:52 +0000

In their show “The Bottom Line of Romance” my discussion with Larry Arnette and Sharon Stevens discusses sexual and financial infidelity using Tiger Woods affairs as an example. The sudden shattering of his pristine image has shocked the world and his fans, and the initial cover up has provoked more media attention to the full story and details, creating a conflict between “too much information” and “celebrity gossip.” With the admission of his affairs Tiger Woods has lost his previous image but freed himself from living a secret double life. Living with secrets makes us sick through dishonesty and shame. Tiger is now free to use his courage to live an honest life, which is the best way for him to win back his family and his fans. We discussed, as well, how to stop arguing for the sake of your relationship and how to work on rekindling your romance. I offer a free ebook which can be downloaded from my website: www.talk2myheart.com to guide you through the steps to have a successful conversation about money and infidelity, both sexual and financial. For relationship tips and advice, links to articles in CBS Moneywatch.com, Investor’s Business Daily, and radio shows, plus my blog see my website: www.adviceinloverelationship.com.

Sex addiction, Tiger Woods & therapy, love vs. lust

drwelpton — Tue, 01 Jun 2010 15:37:52 +0000

Our society encourages lust by promoting the belief that it leads to good sex and to love. Playboy, Hustler, Sex in the City, and pornography are supposed to promote good sex. Lust is sex for the high it produces. Lust is about “what can you do for me?” and not about a lasting relationship. Lust does not lead to love or good sex; it leads to more lust.
Young men become visually imprinted by their first sexual experiences and try to re-create them instead of focusing on their partner. Women find that serial sexual encounters lead nowhere–not to the relationship they seek.
Recovery from sex addiction takes time to shift mindsets from trying to recreate the high of a lust based visual memory through progressive steps in which a man (or woman) learns to say “no” to sex, to touching, to flirting, to talking, to looking, to fantasizing until he or she is focused solely on the person they love with all their sexual and romantic feelings.
Tiger Woods has to break through compartmentalizing his life to live an honest life instead of a double life, as do most sex addicts. This requires integrating his feelings and thoughts and will require energy and focus that could easily interfere with his golf performance for months to come. He will need support in his commitment to recovery. Twelve step programs like Sex and love addicts anonymous (SLAA) offer the support needed.
To use my free ebook describing steps you can use, each of which will help you talk about difficult issues like sex, money, lust, or addiction, go to .
For my discussion of sex addiction and lust with Host Ray Horner on WARK radio go to:

What causes cheating or sexual infidelity?

drwelpton — Sat, 16 Jan 2010 22:58:48 +0000

Cheating is a symptom that something is missing. Usually the unfaithful partner is feeling: 1) the loss of romance,sex,& excitement. It is easier to fall in love than to stay in love; 2) the lack of connection and communication including the difficulty discussing touchy subjects like money, sex, & in-laws causing emotional distance between partners; 3) wavering self-acceptance and self-esteem causing the unfaithful partner to seek approval, admiration, and esteem from other people. The unfaithful partner may feel superior or inferior to others, neither of which is reliable self-esteem. Affairs typically start through an emotional connection which leads to the sexual relationship.

Tiger Woods difficulties: can he recover? Dean Johnson, WCAP Host

drwelpton — Fri, 18 Dec 2009 16:01:20 +0000

What got Tiger Woods to throw away what appeared to be a perfect life? Something was missing: do he and Elin talk? Was it his father’s death? Golf as a childhood? His parents’ separation? His wife’s first pregnancy? Can Tiger recover? Can his marriage be saved?

Tiger Woods admits affairs: can he recover? Gary Pozsik, Host, WGCV, 620 AM

drwelpton — Tue, 15 Dec 2009 02:41:31 +0000

Gary Pozsik, host at WGCV, interviewed me about Tiger Woods. He asked: how could someone who had everything, like Tiger, do what he did? How can we explain his affairs? What might be the consequences for his marriage? What would I recommend that Tiger and his wife do?