Kristen and William came to see me because they were on the verge of divorcing and had not yet been married one year. They were in their thirties. Kristen was about to start styling hair on week-ends as well as during the week so she could better support herself when divorced. She explained there was no reason to spend their week-ends together because there was no fun or enjoyment between them. William agreed.
I asked Kristen, “What do you most enjoyed doing?”
“Dancing,” she responded without a moment’s hesitation.
“When was the last time you danced together?” I asked.
They looked at one another like they were both trying to remember.
“It’s been months,” Kristen answered.
“How come?” I inquired.
“I don’t dance,” William replied.
“Why not?” I asked.
“Cause I’m not any good at it,” he said.
“Neither am I,” I responded, “but that’s no excuse.”
“What do you mean?” William asked.
“I mean that I took lessons and I still have trouble remembering the Foxtrot steps,” I replied. “Every time we dance I have to brush up on them again. I’m still a little shaky and I’m no Fred Astaire. Still, why would you want to shut yourself off from developing yourself? How does that benefit you?” I asked William.
“I see your point,” he said.
“Will you take Kristen dancing tonight?” I asked. My tone was intense. I felt excited for them.
“Yes, I will,” responded William.
“Good for you,” I said looking at William.
I turned to Kristen. “And will you tell him you appreciate his taking you dancing? That you appreciate his getting on the dance floor? Will you applaud him knowing that you get more of whatever you reward?”
“I will,” Kristen responded.

They danced their way back into their marriage that night I learned when we met the following week. William danced and enjoyed himself. Kristen was thrilled and loved him for it. They learned that could still have fun together. They opened their hearts to one another, and they admitted they did not like themselves when their hearts were closed.
William and Kristen were easy to help because they were humble and teachable. They still loved each other but they let other stuff get in their way. William is very intelligent and holds himself with an energy that tells you not to mess with him. Kristen said he reminds her of her father, who left her and her mother when she was just a year and a half old.
Kristen has bouts of depression, especially when she has gained a few pounds. She loses her vitality. She looks forlorn. Her light no longer shines. I suspected she reminded William of his mother, and he affirmed that she did. I told Kristen that she has a smile that can light up the world. It is not just on her lips. It comes from her heart and expresses the splendor within.
I learned from Kristen that her father had left her mother for another woman, with whom he created a second family. Whenever she came to visit him he made her feel inferior, like she didn’t measure up to the new family he had created. It was very painful for her.
I explained to Kristen that she was suffering from shame, not natural shame like embarrassment, but toxic and carried shame. Toxic shame is toxic to our self-esteem and makes us feel unworthy, like we are a mistake. Guilt is different; we feel a twist in our gut for having made a mistake. Shame is about our whole being and we feel it only in the presence of others. We look away, break eye contact, we want to hide and not be seen.
Shame is a helpful emotion too. It is the feeling that stops us in time so we do not hurt and abuse others. It reminds us we are imperfect in our humanness and makes way for our spiritual connection to God who is perfect. When we are shameless we mistakenly think we are God, we do not limit and stop ourselves, and we abuse others.
If I steal an apple at the grocery I feel guilt all by myself for having violated my own standard of not stealing. When the cashier confronts me for having stolen the apple I feel shame and want to hide. We can feel guilt and shame simultaneously or separately.
In our third meeting Kristen arrived looking miserable. She had weighed herself and learned she weighed 140 pounds instead of her desired weight of 120. Her whole being was in shame over 20 pounds. She had empowered the weight scale with the power of God.
Kristen talked about how unworthy she felt from the way her father had treated her. She said that two years ago she had taken the initiative to repair their relationship by taking down her wall of silence. She had forgiven him. Their relationship was improving. Yet the pain and shame she felt were palpable as she spoke.
I told her that if her father had paid attention to her as a child he might have said something to her about how special she was and is, about the smile she has that starts in her soul and radiates outward from her like a beacon of light, about daring to release the splendor contained within her. Tears came to her eyes, then a radiant smile.
At her appointment the next week Kristen again looked miserable and forlorn. Her smile had all but disappeared except for brief flashes of light. I took her inventory regarding the abuse she had endured with her father. It was clear she had experienced neglect from him as well as being told she was stupid. She received no spiritual guidance regarding God or religious practices or knowing about a power higher than herself. I suggested we set up an individual session for her to address the shame she experienced with her father. Kristen and William agreed to my plan.
I explained to Kristen and William the shame reduction exercise we would be doing to help her let go of the shame she carried from her abuse by her father. When we abuse a child we are shameless: we do not stop ourselves and we disown our shame. The child picks up that energy in the form of shame and carries it with them, which becomes that child’s carried and toxic shame.
The chain of connection between the abused child and the parent is broken. Responsibility for restoring that connection needs to come from the parent. A child cannot take that responsibility. The concept of carried shame and the shame reduction process was created and taught to me by Pia Mellody and is described in her book Facing Codependence.
To start the exercise at her individual meeting I had Kristen sit beside me in a separate chair as we both faced an empty chair where her father would sit. I explained to her that I would move the empty chair directly in front of her. Next, I would ask her to tell me as I moved the chair away from her how far distant she wanted it. I explained she needed to feel safe and comfortable when talking to her father. The distance was to be determined solely by her needs, not by taking care of her father.
I explained to Kristen that the subconscious mind does not distinguish between whether her father is actually present or is present in her mind by her seeing his image. The result is just as powerful as if her father were present. Furthermore, if we were to ask her father to participate in this exercise she could easily be re-wounded unless he had done psychological and spiritual work on himself to mature so as to be a better parent.
I got up from my chair and put the empty chair directly in front of Kristen touching her knees. I started slowly to pull the chair away from her while asking her to tell me when to stop. I had barely pulled the chair back a foot when Kristen said, “Stop!”
I couldn’t believe my eyes. I thought she hadn’t understood me. To make sure I sat down in the chair facing her. We were virtually knee to knee. I was sure she would be uncomfortable and tell me to keep withdrawing the chair. She didn’t.
“You really want to be this close to your father?” I asked. I am sure my tone conveyed my disbelief.
Kristen looked intensely at me. “HE NEVER SAW ME!” she said loudly. “HE NEVER LOOKED AT ME! She shouted. “HE NEVER MADE EYE CONTACT!” She screamed.
I got it. I understood what I had not understood before. I left the chair where it was. We proceeded with our shame reduction work as I had her breathe in peace and breathe out fear, gently close her eyes and continue her deep breathing.
I asked her to invite her father to come into the room and sit down in the chair in front of her. She did and she reported that he sat down.
“How does he look?” I asked.
“Annoyed,” she answered.
“Tell him you need him to focus on you, to pay attention to you because you have an important piece of work to do with him.”
She told him. He didn’t respond. He didn’t pay attention. He looked away. He ignored her. He looked uncomfortable and irritated.
I said: “Tell him he is your father! You are his daughter! As your parent he needs to join you in this exercise! He is doing this for you! It is not for him! He is doing it as a parent who cares for his daughter! It is not about him! It is about you!
It took us more than five minutes of insisting on this message in ever more forceful tones to get Kristen’s father finally to pay attention. I have never before needed so much time to get a parent to participate to help his child.
Once her father focused on Kristen I had her tell him: “When you ignored me you shamed me. About that I’m feeling ashamed and angry. I have a right to feel angry! I am giving you back your shame! I refuse to carry it for you any longer! It is your shame, not mine! It belongs to you, not to me! It is yours from this moment on!
We repeated this same message for his not looking her in the eyes and for his treating her as inferior to her step-siblings.
At this point Kristen remembered, “He told me time and again I was self-centered. He called me selfish.”
I said to Kristen: “Tell your father that it is the nature of a child to be self-centered. Tell him that you were not the one who was self-centered. You were a child. He is the one who was self-centered! He was selfish! He is still acting self-centered when he refuses in this exercise to pay attention to you. It is time for him to stop blaming you for what he did and to take responsibility for himself!”
Kristen’s face looked greatly relieved.
We continued our work of returning her father’s shame to him for calling her stupid and for not providing her with spiritual guidance.
We finished the exercise by thanking her father for coming and telling him he could leave. After he left I invited her to open her eyes gradually to come back into the room.
When I asked how she felt she reported that all the pain that she had felt all across her chest had disappeared. There was one spot of pain that remained on her collarbone.
The following week in their couples therapy Kristen reported that her collarbone pain had now gone away. Her smile had come back.
William told the story of the surprise birthday party he had arranged for her last week-end with both of their families and many of Kristen’s friends, including her best friend whom she had not seen in recent years. He, with the help of two friends, had completely surprised her with a party of more than twenty people. They had gone to their favorite restaurant where they had danced following their first therapy session. They celebrated Kristen’s birthday with singing and dancing. William had gotten her a very fancy birthday cake. Kristen said it was the best birthday celebration she had ever had. Their love was attracting them together again.
What a shame it is to be ignored and dismissed by your own father, and even more so to be blamed for his transgressions. Imagine a self-centered parent blaming his child for being self-centered. If you are searching for an example of what it means to be shameless this is it. The greatest shame is to have none.
Thank God for shame. It allows us to be imperfect, to be human, and to turn to Him as our higher power when we are in need.

Kelly had a problem trusting her mother, Belle. Growing up she felt like her mother manipulated the truth. When her mother was dishonest she felt queasy in her stomach even though she couldn’t confirm the deceit. As a consequence of being deceived, Kelly’s sense of reality was changeable. She wasn’t sure what to believe or what she could count on.
Kelly’s family is enmeshed; they are overly involved with each other. They can’t leave one another alone, or get out of each others way. Belle is the younger sister. Donna, although just a little older, has always acted superior to Belle. Donna controls through being judgmental. She excels at criticizing Belle and telling her what’s wrong with her.
Belle sees herself as a victim. She pulls Kelly, her loyal daughter, to her side. By playing the victim she gets Kelly to stick up for her, even to take care of her. Kelly has few if any memories of her mother looking after her as a child, or giving her the guidance mothers usually give daughters. Instead, Kelly had to learn to do everything for herself.
While growing up Kelly even looked after her parents by cooking, cleaning up, and keeping house. Her mother was used to being the younger sister who was coddled. Kelly typically took her mother’s side when she argued with Donna. She knew her mother had a hard time standing up to Donna on her own.
Belle’s husband had died a few years ago when Belle had turned seventy. He left her without much money. Belle had no idea what to do. She had never worked. She was used to being taken care of. In need of more money to support a lifestyle that was now beyond her means, Belle turned in desperation to Donna, who was well off. Belle also received financial help from Kelly and her husband.
Belle was afraid of her older sister. Donna had always gone one-up and took pleasure in demeaning her younger sister. Donna typically got the last word, even more so since Belle now depended on her for money. For years Belle and Donna fought like bitter enemies over pulling other people to their side. They triangulated Kelly between them.
Maxine is Donna’s daughter-in-law, married to Donna’s son. Maxine’s marriage was rocky, and she held Donna responsible for most of the marital quarrels. Donna was critical of Maxine from the get-go, finding fault with her as a wife and making her opinions known to her son in front of Maxine. It would be safe to say that Maxine intensely disliked Donna.
When Maxine’s husband left her to file for a divorce, Maxine turned angry and vengeful. She learned that Donna’s husband, who had died recently, had surreptitiously carried on an affair. Maxine phoned Donna in the middle of the night. In a disguised voice she pretended to be the “other woman,” and told Donna she was going to “get her.” After several such phone calls Donna discovered it was Maxine who was making these calls. Donna immediately told Belle and Kelly that Maxine was the culprit.
The following night Maxine phoned Belle. Seeing it was Maxine calling, Belle did not pick up the phone. She did tell Kelly that Maxine had phoned her and that she did not answer. Without thinking more about it, Kelly mentioned this fact in front of Donna when she and her mother were at Donna’s house the following day.
Donna went into an uproar! She was furious with Belle for not having shared this information with her already. Belle turned on Kelly. “You’re a liar!” she screamed at her daughter. Kelly was dumbstruck. She had told the truth. Belle carried on hysterically until Kelly left Donna’s house to escape the verbal onslaught from her mother for having “lied.”
The next day when Kelly and her mother were alone, Belle apologized to Kelly for calling her a liar. Belle said it was the only thing she could do to protect her relationship with Donna. Kelly knew how afraid her mother was of Donna. As she heard this explanation, however, Kelly felt her mother wasn’t doing much to protect their relationship.
There was, however, a positive consequence from this uproar. At the moment when her mother apologized to her for calling her a liar a light bulb lit up for Kelly. For the first time in her life she got confirmation of her mother’s outright lying. It was the only time she could remember that her mother admitted straightforwardly to deceit in their relationship. When Kelly had previously felt many times while growing up that she was being deceived she never got her mother’s validation.
Kelly felt like she had been given a new lease on life. She felt, she said, like she was “born again.” For the first time she felt like her reality wasn’t “screwed up.” She now understood why she never knew what to believe while growing up, and why her sense of reality was unsteady.
Kelly also felt enlightened as to why she was so open and honest with her own children, often to a fault. She realized she told them too much, more than they needed to know on many occasions, as compensation for how she had been kept in the dark. She vowed to do a better job going forward of discriminating as to what to tell her children. She would pay careful attention to what was age appropriate for them to know.
Kelly worked with me on her boundaries. She learned how to take care of herself by trusting and protecting her own reality. Her reality was defined as: how she looked physically, what she thought and felt, and her behavior– what she had done or not done.
She learned to use a filter in her mind to discriminate about the thoughts that were expressed to her by other people. With her mother, for example, she used her filter to determine whether what her mother said to her was true or not true. Her truth, like everyone’s, is determined by what is true for her. Shakespeare described the process of defining our truth in Laertes’ advice to his son Polonius:
“This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.” (Hamlet)
With this filter established in her mind, Kelly checked out whether what her mother or anyone else said agreed with her reality. She accepted into her mind what others said when it agreed with her reality. When she accepted a thought she had feelings about it and dealt with those feelings. If she determined a thought was not true, she did not accept it into her mind as her reality. If she was not clear whether a thought expressed to her was true or not true, she kept it in limbo until she made that decision. Then, she either accepted it into her mind as a reality or she rejected it. At the same time Kelly acknowledged that the thought she rejected could be true for the speaker, but that did not make it true for her.
By establishing and reinforcing these boundaries Kelly learned not to let anyone else tell her what she should think or feel. Kelly recognized that she and her mother had different realities. Each had her own.
She came to realize that each of us creates our own reality. We do not see things as they are; we see things as we are. The world we see reflects who we are. Each of us lives in our own world. Our worlds overlap when we share a common reality with another person. When we do not, our realities are different.
Even in love relationships we have different realities, which can cause pain when we remember things differently, when we perceive the same event differently, or when we feel differently about an event. It makes no sense to argue with another person about different memories, different perceptions, or different feelings because we each create our own. Loving another person does not eradicate our individuality, or our differences.
Kelly said she discovered a new found freedom when she realized that having a different reality from her mother’s did not mean that she had stopped loving her mother. In fact, she felt more comfortable loving her mother when she accepted their differences.
Having good boundaries about her reality was a totally new concept and experience for Kelly. It changed her life. She was now able to discriminate that it did not match her own reality when her mother had called her a “liar.” Since she did not accept the thought into her mind, she no longer had to wrestle with feelings about it. Instead, she saw this accusation as her mother’s reality at that moment, probably even as a manipulation her mother was using for self-protection–nothing more, nothing less.
Kelly did not respect her mother for having falsely accused her of being a liar.
She did, however, develop a new respect her mother when, for the first time ever, she admitted to Kelly that she had lied when calling Kelly a liar. How often, Kelly asked herself, do people defend themselves by accusing you of the very thing they are doing? Her mother had lied by calling her a liar. She said that politicians came to her mind, even Presidents, but we decided not to go there.
Instead Kelly quoted Christ from Matthew (7:3): “And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother’s eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?”
Kelly asked me, “Doesn’t Christ’s question apply to sisters too? …And also to mothers and daughters?”
I nodded yes.
I replied, “When you own the beam in your own eye you change your life.”

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