Advice in Love Relationships » marriage

How to Avoid being Your Own Worst Enemy in Your Marriage

drwelpton — Fri, 06 Aug 2010 17:48:47 +0000

Phil was having difficulty being intimate in his marriage. He pulled back from having sex for fear of being rejected. His wife was the one person with whom he shared himself. Without her, he was alone and lonely. He had all his eggs in one basket. Right now he and his wife could not talk without provoking painful feelings in each other. Phil’s responses felt like shaming criticisms to his wife.
As he grew more comfortable in counseling Phil courageously shared his story. His father was an abusive man. Phil’s greatest pain was watching his father beat his older brother. Phil’s turn to get beaten came as he grew older. “I became old enough to qualify for beating,” was the way he put it. He said it still hurt more to watch his father hit his brother. While his older brother also beat up on Phil, he was the closest person to a parent Phil knew growing up.
Phil’s father was an out-of-control pastor. He had affairs with women in his congregation. His wife was frightened of him but finally stood up to him to divorce him when Phil was 15. By that time Phil’s older brother had left home leaving Phil to look after his mother. Frightened and needy herself she turned to Phil to be a replacement for his father—to act like the head of the family looking after his mother and his younger sister. His sister had not been beaten. She had definitely been emotionally abused as “Daddy’s little girl.”
Phil, too, was emotionally abused by his mother when she treated him like a surrogate spouse. He was expected to act like an adult when he was still an adolescent, to take care of his mother when she was supposed to take care of him. A functional family is one in which the parents take care of the children. In a dysfunctional family the children take care of the parents.
Phil was deeply ashamed by his father’s out of control behavior with his congregation. He felt intense shame over his parents’ divorce. As a sixteen year old he withdrew into himself and stopped dating his girlfriend, who was his closest relationship now that his brother was gone.
By the time he was twenty Phil had married a girl who had also been abused. They took turns taking care of each other. They didn’t have children. Their hands were already full just caring for each other. Eventually they divorced.
When forced by his abusive behavior to leave his ministry, Phil’s father moved on to become a counselor in charge of a reform school for boys. He took delight in excessively controlling the lives of his subjects and punishing them abusively.
Phil had forgiven his father and stayed in touch with him. He made visits to see him. When he heard from his father how he was treating the boys at the reform school, Phil gathered his courage to confront him. He told his father he should resign his position at the reform school. Phil wanted to stop his father from abusing the boys. He wanted to protect the boys from his father, and he wanted to protect his father from himself. He hoped to stop his father from doing more harm to his own self-respect.
Later that night Phil’s father drove himself to his favorite place in the nearby countryside. He left his car and walked up the road until he found a place to sit. He took out a knife. He slashed his wrists and bled to death.
When Phil found out the next day he was shocked. He felt mortified. He blamed himself for causing his father to commit suicide. His brother and his sister blamed him too. For more than twenty years Phil has carried this guilt and remorse with him. As he told me about his father’s slashing his wrists guilt and shame came over him. His pain was palpable.
Later the same day he learned about his father’s suicide, Phil learned that the woman his father was living with had packed his bags and sent him away that night. She had just learned that Phil’s father had sexually abused one of her granddaughters.
Have you ever loved someone and did what you thought was the right thing to do by confronting them about their shameless behavior? Didn’t it require courage on your part to put your relationship with this person you love at risk for fear they would misunderstand you? Phil walked through that fear to do what he thought was right for his father and right for the boys at the school.
As Phil talked an old saying came to my mind: “No good deed goes unpunished.” I had learned this adage from a man I once counseled who had survived a painful childhood. I don’t believe the world works this way spiritually, but at times events can appear to work like this. I believe Phil was a better person for having the courage to confront his father to keep him from further guilt and shame for his abusiveness. I believe, as well, he was a better human being for attempting to protect the reform school boys from further abusive punishments.
For me the pain was that Phil “bought into” the unjust judgments of his Inner Critic that were reinforced by his brother and sister. Phil said he was his own worst enemy. At one time or another most of us are. When someone kills himself there is ample pain to go around. There is ample guilt too. Everyone who had a relationship with that person usually asks themselves: did I have anything to do with it? Could I have caused it? Could I have prevented it?
The truth is that no one can make another person kill himself. When a person commits suicide that is a decision only that person can make. Phil did not tell his father to kill himself. Neither did his father’s companion when she told him he had to move out. Suicide may have been the only way Phil’s father found to stop himself.
What Phil needed was to be seen accurately. Instead of being blamed for his father’s death, Phil needed to be appreciated for caring enough for his father to try to stop him from continuing to abuse people. He needed to be appreciated for trying to protect the boys from being abused. He needed to be appreciated for caring enough about his father to put his relationship at risk of being misunderstood by his father. He needed to be appreciated for urging his father to act in a way that would have caused him to respect himself more instead of less.
We do people a great disservice when we join their Inner Critic which is ready to believe the worst about them. People who are abused as children often believe the worst about themselves. It is God speaking through us that instead helps us to see the best in them. Having confessed and confronted his shame-based beliefs about himself, Phil may now be free to see himself in a new light: to see his courage and love accurately and to respect himself for acting on them.
After twenty years of carrying his burden of shame and guilt Phil began to live as a free man. He took the risk of being very vulnerable by telling his story and sharing his pain. Recovery from shame requires telling others what has caused you shame. Sharing puts you at risk that others will shame you again. Having others see you accurately helps validate your reality. Being appreciated for your caring and your courage affirms taking the risk of being seen and known.
Phil began to emerge from his shell. He began to recover from his shame. He started on the path of reconciliation with his wife. She knew his pain and his story and loved him from hearing it again. His vulnerability allowed her to show him her love. As he opened his heart she moved toward him. She put her hand on his arm and they looked briefly into each others eyes. Love is about taking a journey together. Resonating together is the first step.
To read more stories like Phil’s to help you with your marriage buy Dr. Doug’s new book “Attract Love, Intimacy & Money.” You can purchase it on this website as an ebook or as a softcover, or you can order it on Amazon including a hardcover copy.

The Compulsive Use of Sex Videos Destroys Marriages & Relationships

drwelpton — Fri, 09 Jul 2010 02:11:58 +0000

Dr. Doug Welpton talks with Mike on the Mike Bullard Show about love, good sex, intimacy, and lust. Dr. Doug says we have been sold a bill of goods being led to believe that using sexy videos leads to good sex in relationships and marriage. Lust leads to sexual pleasure and a temporary high, but it does nothing to promote love. A relationship is built on sharing yourself, your thoughts and feelings, with your partner. Lust does not promote intimacy. Sex based on lust is focused on: what can you do for me to give me pleasure? Advancing beyond lust to caring for your partner works better for the relationship. We focus on: what can I do for you to give you pleasure?
To build a relationship beyond giving each other pleasure requires self disclosure and vulnerability. Most everyone has some anxiety about sharing themselves. Most people do not like to feel vulnerable. However, there is no way to become intimate without feeling vulnerable. It is when we trust enough to take the risk to share our inner thoughts and feelings that we build a solid connection with our partner. Intimacy (into-me-see) is the cornerstone of a love relationship.

How couples talk successfully about finances and money

drwelpton — Wed, 17 Feb 2010 18:55:07 +0000

Host Rick Vazquez, author of “The Pizza Delivery Millionaire” and host of the Web Talk Radio show titled “Winning in the Game of Life” discusses with me how couples can talk successfully about their finances. The steps I explain include giving each other a reward for the discussion, learning to appreciate what your partner contributes to your financial process, setting aside the time, talking without criticism or blaming, and using a positive tone while making eye contract. To avoid judgments couples use “I” not “you” statements and limit themselves to just three sentences during their turn to speak. Each commits to something they will start doing immediately to help financially. They can trade off whose purchase they put first each week or each month or however often they agree they can afford the purchase. Giving to your relationship instead of keeping score on purchases can advance your relationship to a new level.

Financial Teamwork: The Thinker (Saver) and the Feeler (Spender) Cooperate

drwelpton — Mon, 05 Oct 2009 18:11:02 +0000

Gerry and Joan are like bookends. He is as loud and talkative as she is quiet and restrained. When it comes to their finances, as you might expect, he is the big spender and she is the saver. Gerry works hard and brings home a substantial paycheck. However, he also loves to spend and he often overspends compared to what he earns. Joan does her best to constrain him. She attempts to reason with him about not going into debt just to buy a flashier car. In general, Gerry sees the good sense in what Joan is saying, although he hates saying no to anything he wants. Joan keeps their books and takes care of their finances, but at times feels close to giving up when Gerry gets out of control.

Joan and Gerry were working on limiting their spending and staying within their budget using my twelve step Connecting Conversation. They had downloaded the ebook for free from my website: www.talk2myheart.com. As recommended, they had given each other rewards and appreciated their differences as a spender and a saver. They were watching the tones with which they spoke, and sending “I” statements instead of “you” statements.

Joan wanted help for them about using thinking and feeling energy. She knows she relates through thinking energy while Gerry uses feeling energy. She complained that at times she feels steamrollered by Gerry, like his energy gets the best of him. He cannot contain himself enough to listen. She likened Gerry to a horse headed for the barn at the end of a long day.

Gerry acknowledged that he is an extrovert and knows he can get on a roll where he talks too much and doesn’t listen enough. I talked to him about shifting from feeling energy with looser boundaries to thinking energy, like he would use when talking professionally with a colleague or speaking in front of a group. Gerry laughed and responded that even in those situations he has been known to get carried away and not shut up when he knows he should. He is clear that at times he offends Joan by talking over her and not listening to what she is trying to tell him.

I asked Gerry when he last got a ticket driving his car. I surmised there was a very high probably he either got stopped for speeding or running a stop sign. He blushed momentarily and asked, “How did you know?” He smiled but looked chagrined. He continued, “I just got stopped this last week for speeding. Now I have to go to drivers’ education class or pay a lot more for my car insurance.”

I asked him, “What was your energy like when you were talking with the police officer?”

“Oh,” he said, “I was on good behavior. I kept my mouth shut and just listened. I even said, yes, sir.”

I said, “From now on when Joan is talking with you about your finances I want you to see her as the police officer giving you a ticket. Behave with her the same way you did with the policeman.”

Gerry laughed. “I got it!” he said. “I can do that! Perhaps we should get a police hat for Joan to wear?” he quipped.

I replied, “If you start to talk too much and talk over her, you must buy her a police hat. Keep it where you can hand it to her any time she says she needs it when you two are talking.”

To date this solution has worked. When I last heard Gerry had not yet had to buy Joan the hat.

Gerry now has a way to get himself out of feeling energy and into thinking energy with better boundaries to contain himself. He is listening to Joan, who feels encouraged about how they are discussing and managing their finances.

Living within your Means: Implementing Rules for Spending

drwelpton — Mon, 05 Oct 2009 16:30:17 +0000

Prior to the recession money had not been a problem for Stan and Melissa. Both worked full time and earned enough so they were somewhat lax about a budget. Without warning Melissa was unexpectedly laid off. With Melissa’s help Stan drew up a budget. They became much more thoughtful about their purchases. They both shared a concern: they were used to buying what they wanted with no need to check out their purchases with each other. They did not want to be policing each others purchases or having to justify every item they bought.

They agreed on setting up a rule that whenever either of them spent over a certain dollar amount each month, they needed to contact the other to discuss their purchases from that point on for the remainder of the month. That way each of them would have a fixed amount they could spend monthly on discretionary items, whether it was one big purchase or several smaller purchases. They did not have to check out each purchase until they went beyond their limit.

The stumbling block was that they could not agree on the amount at which they needed to discuss a purchase. Stan thought they should discuss their purchases once either of them had spent $300 in the month whether it was for several small items or one big item. Melissa thought $500 was more realistic. This figure will vary with your income as well as with your mindset as a spender or a saver.

They phoned for advice. I said to them that couples can easily get into a power struggle over differences like this between $300 versus $500 per month, or over whose way is better. I said there was no “one right way” to set this limit. My experience was that going with the lower amount, in this case the $300, meant that neither partner’s limit was being violated. The cost was they would start discussing their purchases sooner, which might be a good thing.

They agreed that talking sooner would probably be helpful since they were not used to checking in with one another as often as they would need to do to stay within their new budget. They were determined to continue to save from Stan’s earnings because they hoped to start a family soon.

Like many couples Stan and Melissa said they did not like to talk about their finances because it occasionally led to arguments and differences. They ended up angry with each other for a few days.

I encouraged them to use my twelve step Connecting Conversation to have a successful talk about money. It is available as a free ebook on my website: www.talk2myheart.com. I explained to Stan and Melissa that the purpose of the steps is to help them have a successful conversation so they will continue to discuss their finances. They agreed to call in two weeks to tell me how they were doing with the $300 limit and with their Connecting Conversation discussing finances.

For a helpful reference see CBS Moneywatch: Money Rules for Couples

What is financial infidelity in a marriage and how to avoid it

leilimckinley — Wed, 16 Sep 2009 23:54:04 +0000

Brain Greenberg of WNJC,1360AM, Sewell, NJ, interviews Dr. Doug about Financial Infidelity. You can listen to the interview here.

WOCM Radio Host “Bulldog” interviews Dr. Doug Welpton

drwelpton — Mon, 24 Aug 2009 14:30:52 +0000

Talk Show host “Bulldog” at WOCM interviews Dr. Doug regarding how to attract Love, Sex & Money in a marriage. Money is a leading cause of conflict in marriages. A lack of teamwork on their finances causes problems for spouses with trust, love, and sex. Can two spenders or two savers work together better than a saver and a spender?

Kate and John Gosselin plus Eight–Can this marriage be saved?

drwelpton — Wed, 17 Jun 2009 00:56:45 +0000

The vexing problem for Kate and John is that they are allowing their marriage to be triangulated. First by TLC and their television program, then by other people like his “dating,” her bodyguard, and whoever else. Triangulating is putting someone or something else ahead of your spouse which now creates a triangle by making a third interest your priority. Through triangulation they are permitting other people, or even interests such as making money by being on television, to come between them. I would expect this process to continue unless they recognize it will only get worse until they commit to stopping it. It would be easy at this point for them to focus on their children and triangulate by putting them first ahead of each other. Their marriage can be saved but only when they put each other first and stop triangulating. I would bet they grew up with triangulation in their families of origin, which is why they allow it unconsciously without seeing how destructive it is to their marriage.