Kristen and William came to see me because they were on the verge of divorcing and had not yet been married one year. They were in their thirties. Kristen was about to start styling hair on week-ends as well as during the week so she could better support herself when divorced. She explained there was no reason to spend their week-ends together because there was no fun or enjoyment between them. William agreed.
I asked Kristen, “What do you most enjoyed doing?”
“Dancing,” she responded without a moment’s hesitation.
“When was the last time you danced together?” I asked.
They looked at one another like they were both trying to remember.
“It’s been months,” Kristen answered.
“How come?” I inquired.
“I don’t dance,” William replied.
“Why not?” I asked.
“Cause I’m not any good at it,” he said.
“Neither am I,” I responded, “but that’s no excuse.”
“What do you mean?” William asked.
“I mean that I took lessons and I still have trouble remembering the Foxtrot steps,” I replied. “Every time we dance I have to brush up on them again. I’m still a little shaky and I’m no Fred Astaire. Still, why would you want to shut yourself off from developing yourself? How does that benefit you?” I asked William.
“I see your point,” he said.
“Will you take Kristen dancing tonight?” I asked. My tone was intense. I felt excited for them.
“Yes, I will,” responded William.
“Good for you,” I said looking at William.
I turned to Kristen. “And will you tell him you appreciate his taking you dancing? That you appreciate his getting on the dance floor? Will you applaud him knowing that you get more of whatever you reward?”
“I will,” Kristen responded.

They danced their way back into their marriage that night I learned when we met the following week. William danced and enjoyed himself. Kristen was thrilled and loved him for it. They learned that could still have fun together. They opened their hearts to one another, and they admitted they did not like themselves when their hearts were closed.
William and Kristen were easy to help because they were humble and teachable. They still loved each other but they let other stuff get in their way. William is very intelligent and holds himself with an energy that tells you not to mess with him. Kristen said he reminds her of her father, who left her and her mother when she was just a year and a half old.
Kristen has bouts of depression, especially when she has gained a few pounds. She loses her vitality. She looks forlorn. Her light no longer shines. I suspected she reminded William of his mother, and he affirmed that she did. I told Kristen that she has a smile that can light up the world. It is not just on her lips. It comes from her heart and expresses the splendor within.
I learned from Kristen that her father had left her mother for another woman, with whom he created a second family. Whenever she came to visit him he made her feel inferior, like she didn’t measure up to the new family he had created. It was very painful for her.
I explained to Kristen that she was suffering from shame, not natural shame like embarrassment, but toxic and carried shame. Toxic shame is toxic to our self-esteem and makes us feel unworthy, like we are a mistake. Guilt is different; we feel a twist in our gut for having made a mistake. Shame is about our whole being and we feel it only in the presence of others. We look away, break eye contact, we want to hide and not be seen.
Shame is a helpful emotion too. It is the feeling that stops us in time so we do not hurt and abuse others. It reminds us we are imperfect in our humanness and makes way for our spiritual connection to God who is perfect. When we are shameless we mistakenly think we are God, we do not limit and stop ourselves, and we abuse others.
If I steal an apple at the grocery I feel guilt all by myself for having violated my own standard of not stealing. When the cashier confronts me for having stolen the apple I feel shame and want to hide. We can feel guilt and shame simultaneously or separately.
In our third meeting Kristen arrived looking miserable. She had weighed herself and learned she weighed 140 pounds instead of her desired weight of 120. Her whole being was in shame over 20 pounds. She had empowered the weight scale with the power of God.
Kristen talked about how unworthy she felt from the way her father had treated her. She said that two years ago she had taken the initiative to repair their relationship by taking down her wall of silence. She had forgiven him. Their relationship was improving. Yet the pain and shame she felt were palpable as she spoke.
I told her that if her father had paid attention to her as a child he might have said something to her about how special she was and is, about the smile she has that starts in her soul and radiates outward from her like a beacon of light, about daring to release the splendor contained within her. Tears came to her eyes, then a radiant smile.
At her appointment the next week Kristen again looked miserable and forlorn. Her smile had all but disappeared except for brief flashes of light. I took her inventory regarding the abuse she had endured with her father. It was clear she had experienced neglect from him as well as being told she was stupid. She received no spiritual guidance regarding God or religious practices or knowing about a power higher than herself. I suggested we set up an individual session for her to address the shame she experienced with her father. Kristen and William agreed to my plan.
I explained to Kristen and William the shame reduction exercise we would be doing to help her let go of the shame she carried from her abuse by her father. When we abuse a child we are shameless: we do not stop ourselves and we disown our shame. The child picks up that energy in the form of shame and carries it with them, which becomes that child’s carried and toxic shame.
The chain of connection between the abused child and the parent is broken. Responsibility for restoring that connection needs to come from the parent. A child cannot take that responsibility. The concept of carried shame and the shame reduction process was created and taught to me by Pia Mellody and is described in her book Facing Codependence.
To start the exercise at her individual meeting I had Kristen sit beside me in a separate chair as we both faced an empty chair where her father would sit. I explained to her that I would move the empty chair directly in front of her. Next, I would ask her to tell me as I moved the chair away from her how far distant she wanted it. I explained she needed to feel safe and comfortable when talking to her father. The distance was to be determined solely by her needs, not by taking care of her father.
I explained to Kristen that the subconscious mind does not distinguish between whether her father is actually present or is present in her mind by her seeing his image. The result is just as powerful as if her father were present. Furthermore, if we were to ask her father to participate in this exercise she could easily be re-wounded unless he had done psychological and spiritual work on himself to mature so as to be a better parent.
I got up from my chair and put the empty chair directly in front of Kristen touching her knees. I started slowly to pull the chair away from her while asking her to tell me when to stop. I had barely pulled the chair back a foot when Kristen said, “Stop!”
I couldn’t believe my eyes. I thought she hadn’t understood me. To make sure I sat down in the chair facing her. We were virtually knee to knee. I was sure she would be uncomfortable and tell me to keep withdrawing the chair. She didn’t.
“You really want to be this close to your father?” I asked. I am sure my tone conveyed my disbelief.
Kristen looked intensely at me. “HE NEVER SAW ME!” she said loudly. “HE NEVER LOOKED AT ME! She shouted. “HE NEVER MADE EYE CONTACT!” She screamed.
I got it. I understood what I had not understood before. I left the chair where it was. We proceeded with our shame reduction work as I had her breathe in peace and breathe out fear, gently close her eyes and continue her deep breathing.
I asked her to invite her father to come into the room and sit down in the chair in front of her. She did and she reported that he sat down.
“How does he look?” I asked.
“Annoyed,” she answered.
“Tell him you need him to focus on you, to pay attention to you because you have an important piece of work to do with him.”
She told him. He didn’t respond. He didn’t pay attention. He looked away. He ignored her. He looked uncomfortable and irritated.
I said: “Tell him he is your father! You are his daughter! As your parent he needs to join you in this exercise! He is doing this for you! It is not for him! He is doing it as a parent who cares for his daughter! It is not about him! It is about you!
It took us more than five minutes of insisting on this message in ever more forceful tones to get Kristen’s father finally to pay attention. I have never before needed so much time to get a parent to participate to help his child.
Once her father focused on Kristen I had her tell him: “When you ignored me you shamed me. About that I’m feeling ashamed and angry. I have a right to feel angry! I am giving you back your shame! I refuse to carry it for you any longer! It is your shame, not mine! It belongs to you, not to me! It is yours from this moment on!
We repeated this same message for his not looking her in the eyes and for his treating her as inferior to her step-siblings.
At this point Kristen remembered, “He told me time and again I was self-centered. He called me selfish.”
I said to Kristen: “Tell your father that it is the nature of a child to be self-centered. Tell him that you were not the one who was self-centered. You were a child. He is the one who was self-centered! He was selfish! He is still acting self-centered when he refuses in this exercise to pay attention to you. It is time for him to stop blaming you for what he did and to take responsibility for himself!”
Kristen’s face looked greatly relieved.
We continued our work of returning her father’s shame to him for calling her stupid and for not providing her with spiritual guidance.
We finished the exercise by thanking her father for coming and telling him he could leave. After he left I invited her to open her eyes gradually to come back into the room.
When I asked how she felt she reported that all the pain that she had felt all across her chest had disappeared. There was one spot of pain that remained on her collarbone.
The following week in their couples therapy Kristen reported that her collarbone pain had now gone away. Her smile had come back.
William told the story of the surprise birthday party he had arranged for her last week-end with both of their families and many of Kristen’s friends, including her best friend whom she had not seen in recent years. He, with the help of two friends, had completely surprised her with a party of more than twenty people. They had gone to their favorite restaurant where they had danced following their first therapy session. They celebrated Kristen’s birthday with singing and dancing. William had gotten her a very fancy birthday cake. Kristen said it was the best birthday celebration she had ever had. Their love was attracting them together again.
What a shame it is to be ignored and dismissed by your own father, and even more so to be blamed for his transgressions. Imagine a self-centered parent blaming his child for being self-centered. If you are searching for an example of what it means to be shameless this is it. The greatest shame is to have none.
Thank God for shame. It allows us to be imperfect, to be human, and to turn to Him as our higher power when we are in need.

“Knowing that whatsoever good thing any man doeth, the same shall he receive of the Lord…” Ephesians 6:8

Matt phoned me. I had counseled him for more than a year. “Guess what happened?” he asked.
“I don’t know,” I replied. “What…?”
“My job just got outsourced,” he answered.
“You must be in pain,” I said.
“You bet,” Matt responded. “I can’t figure out how I’m going to support Joan and the kids.”
“How’d it happen?” I asked.
“Paul, the CEO, called me into his office yesterday. He told me the company is going to outsource its accounting work starting immediately. They no longer need my services as the Controller. I know the company is struggling financially. I guess this is a way they hope to save money.”
“How did Joan take the news?” I inquired.
“She’s scared too. She stopped working six years ago to stay home and raise our kids. I’m the sole breadwinner…at least I was.”
“What’re your plans?” I asked.
“I’ve already called a colleague I knew in business school to ask if he knows anyone who needs a controller. I also called a head hunter I’ve used in the past. He’s going to make some calls. As you know jobs aren’t easy to find right now.”
“I know,” I said. “This is a terrible time to find a job.”
“I want you to help me with my pain,” Matt said, “and my anger. I’m concerned they could get in my way.”
“Do your families know you lost your job?” I asked.
“We told Joan’s parents. They’re very concerned. They’ll help watch the kids but their resources are limited given her father’s retirement… I told my mother, too. I didn’t tell my father. He’s still drinking every day. They’re in no position to help. Our brothers and sisters can’t help either. Everyone’s hurting for money and scared of losing their jobs.”
“What’s behind your pain and your anger?” I asked.
“I thought Paul was my friend,” Matt said. “I even thought he was my best friend. We’ve worked well together for six years. When I got upset he was the person I could talk with. He supported me with his approval. I haven’t had as much time with him since he became the CEO a year ago. However, I’m surprised he gave me no warning about being fired. I think he’s still angry over paying my bonus.”
“What happened about your bonus?” I inquired.
“Last year I was promised a bonus but I never got paid. Sales were off and money was very tight. But the other people got paid.”
“Why didn’t you?” I asked.
“Paul thought I would understand better than anyone else since I keep the books. It’s like my being the controller and knowing money was tight meant I’d go on without getting paid for the sake of the company,” Matt said.
“But you’re saying that went on for over a year?”
“That’s right. I might have tolerated it even longer except Joan complained the kids couldn’t buy books or clothes for school. That’s when I reached my limit.”
“What happened then?”
“I told Paul I couldn’t wait any longer… that my kids needed the money for school necessities.”
“Did he pay you?” I asked.
“Yeah, but it took him a couple weeks. He made a remark about feeling “guilted” by me when he gave me the check.”
“That must have hurt,” I commented.
“It did,” Matt said, “especially since I felt taken advantage of by being the only one who waited that long. Then, a few weeks later he tells me my job’s gone.”
“Does it feel like a punishment?” I asked.
“Kind’a,” he replied. “I tell myself not to take it personally. That it’s just about the money.”
“That could be the truth,” I said. “But it may remind you of your problem with your father and not feeling cared about by him.”
“You’re right on target,” Matt said. “I feel rejected by Paul the way I did by my Dad. I’ve worked long hours and even week-ends without getting paid for overtime just to make sure I did a good job. In return I’m sent packing. With my Dad I fixed the leaky toilet or the broken chairs which he neglected. Instead of appreciating what I’d done he yelled at me. It’s like the old saying: no good deed goes unpunished.”
“How could your father give you what he himself didn’t have? I asked.
“I hadn’t thought of that,” Matt replied. “It’s true that my father didn’t get appreciated by his father, who didn’t spend much time with him.”
“And he didn’t learn how to appreciate himself,” I added. “How can you give someone else what you haven’t got? If you don’t have love, you can’t give love, for example.”
“I see what you mean,” Matt responded. I did get from Paul the approval I never got from my father…that’s what makes it hard to lose. He’s the one who stood behind me at work.”
“Do you realize,” I asked Matt, “that you’re giving your self-evaluation over to Paul? You’re putting him in charge of how you feel about yourself.”
“I hadn’t seen that,” Matt answered, “but you’re right. I’m making what Paul thinks of me, or what I’m imagining he feels about me, too important.”
“You’re diminishing what you think about yourself,” I responded. “Your own self-evaluation needs to come first with you.”
“What you’re saying makes sense,” Matt responded, “or else I’ll start believing the perceptions of others, even when they’re not accurate.”
“Like when Paul accused you of “guilting” him,” I said.
“I do know that I did a good job as the controller regardless of what Paul or anyone else thinks,” Matt responded. “I spoke up to the Board about the problems in the company when no one else did. I managed difficult personnel problems from which I gained some wisdom. I learned to admit when I made mistakes rather than try to justify them.”
“And you know,” I responded, “God is with you and stands behind you when you tell the truth about yourself.”
“I do know that,” Matt replied. “I haven’t always appreciated how important it is until now.”
“So how are you going to deal with Paul?” I asked.
“That’s where I’m kind‘a stuck,” Matt replied. “I don’t want to lose our relationship. I value him as a friend. As you know I don’t have many friends. I don’t have time to keep up with them given my work hours and spending my time off with Joan and the kids….At the same time, I really feel hurt by being let go. What’s more, Paul gave me just two weeks severance when the company policy has been one week for every year of employment. I should get six weeks.”
“Is that severance policy in your contract?” I asked.
“No,” Matt said. “It was just the policy when the company was stronger financially. It’s not enforceable… The problem is I feel so hurt by just being dismissed. It feels like I don’t matter, like Paul and I aren’t friends. That’s what makes me angry.”
“Remember,” I said, “how Paul deals with you is his Karma…and how you respond is your Karma. How Paul treats you reflects who he is, and how you react reflects who you are.”
“I just realized,” Matt responded, “that I’m measuring how much Paul cares about me by how much severance he gives me. Kind’a weird isn’t it?”
“Not really,” I said. “All of us make up stuff every day. We give what happens to us meanings it doesn’t necessarily have– like your feeling personally rejected by Paul’s outsourcing your job. I suggest you pray about your relationship with Paul and what you want to say to him.”
We scheduled our next appointment and hung up.

Matt called me two weeks later.
He thanked me: “I prayed as you suggested. It was very helpful.”
“What happened?” I asked.
“I decided to speak from my heart,” he said.
“Good for you,” I said.
“I told Paul how hurt I felt by the way he dealt with me,” Matt said. “How I felt dismissed like we weren’t really friends.”
“What did he say?” I asked.
“He apologized,” Matt answered. “He said he’d gotten so caught up in trying to save the company that he’d ignored our relationship. He admitted he’s still preoccupied.”
“That sounds accurate,” I said.
“I told Paul how important our friendship was to me. I told him how much I’d gained from working with him. I thanked him for supporting me during difficult situations. I let go of my anger. I told him our friendship meant more to me that a few added weeks of severance pay. He told me that he considered me a true friend and he wanted to stay in touch. We both had tears as we shook hands.”
“That took courage on your part,” I said.
“I left his office with a smile on my face,” Matt said. “I felt gratitude instead of resentment. I felt lighter. Walking felt effortless.”
“You experienced divine justice,” I responded. “What you gave to Paul you gave to yourself. It happened instantaneously. It took place in your heart– you received the love you gave.”
“That’s what I experienced,” Matt said. “I saw that giving and receiving aren’t opposites; they’re one. When I gave unconditionally to Paul, I received. When Paul received graciously what I was saying, he gave to me.”
Matt had broken the legacy in his family, handing down criticism and denigration from one generation to the next, from father to son. He had broken the cycle of shame carried by a son from his father. He was becoming a loving father to himself.
Matt got a new job as the controller of a start-up company. Paul helped by giving him a strong recommendation. Matt no longer stayed late at the office. He was home for his children at the end of each day. When they came to him with questions about their homework he was more patient with them. In fact, he enjoyed their coming to him even though it interrupted him. He was being the father he wished for but never had. In his prayers each night Matt quietly thanked God for enabling him to be the father he had become.
Joan watched him change. She was astonished. She told him it was a miracle– how totally changed he was and how different from his father!
Matt knew he was different in his heart both as a parent and as a husband.
He told me it was easier for him to laugh with Joan than it had ever been.

To laugh is to risk appearing the fool.
To weep is to risk appearing sentimental.
To reach out for another is to risk involvement.
To expose feelings is to risk exposing your true self.
To place your ideas, your dreams before a crowd is to risk their loss.
To love is to risk not being loved in return.
To live is to risk dying.
To hope is to risk despair.
To try is to risk failure.

Taking risks makes us vulnerable. Avoiding risks by playing it safe keeps us from suffering and sorrow. However, we will not learn, grow, love, or live fully without risks. Like me, some of you may have played it safe at one time or another in your life only to regret you did not take the risk.
We usually avoid risks for fear of failure and the shame that goes with it. Thomas Edison showed us there is no failure unless you quit. Edison failed 10,000 times while inventing the electric light bulb. He called them feedback not failures, and he used each “failure” as a stepping stone that led to his next experiment.
Young children are natural risk takers. I delight in watching my eleven month old granddaughter Lexi learn to walk. She pulls herself up on the leg of a chair, takes a wobbly first step and falls. Undeterred she pulls herself up on the chair and tries again. She is progressing in the way we learn: by falling or making mistakes and learning from them.
Do you realize that taking a risk can save your life? Let me give you an example.
Just two months ago on August 1st my wife, Mary Elizabeth, told me her primary care doctor had called about a spot on her lung in her follow-up X-ray. Something had not looked quite right on her previous X-ray a few months earlier. Mary Elizabeth responded promptly and went for the CAT scans and the PET scans he requested.
I went with her to a pulmonologist (lung specialist) who looked at her X-rays and scans and did more pulmonary tests. His findings were not conclusive as to whether she had cancer. He recommended a biopsy of the spot in her lung. Mary Elizabeth immediately had the lung biopsy. It showed hyperplasia (an abnormal increase in cells) but not cancer.
The pulmonologist recommended she consult a surgeon. She asked me to find one. I am a physician and used to using the internet for such tasks. Both of her parents had died from lung cancer and I knew she was absorbing the shock of having lung cancer herself.
We phoned Jeff, a friend who had experienced surgery for lung cancer. He had undergone a thoracotomy (chest incision) to remove one lobe from his lungs nine months ago. Jeff told us he still had pain from his operation, which involved a twelve inch incision, the breaking of two ribs, and cutting through the muscles of his chest. He still hurt at times and felt fatigued.
After talking with Jeff I was determined to find a minimally invasive form of surgery if possible. I searched all over Florida. I found Dr. Eric Sommers at Tampa General Hospital who performed robotic surgery for lung cancer. We made an appointment. We liked Dr. Sommers immediately for his straight-forwardness. It turned out he was a pioneer in bringing minimally invasive surgery to Florida. After examining Mary Elizabeth’s test results he did not immediately recommend surgery. He explained that the X-rays, scans, and biopsy did not confirm that she had cancer.
Mary Elizabeth again took a risk. She could easily have said let’s wait and follow the spot using X-rays. Instead she told Dr. Sommers that she wanted a definite result given that both her parents had died from lung cancer. He agreed to operate robotically doing a wedge resection of the spot in her lung. If the pathologist in the operating room diagnosed cancer from the resection he would proceed with a lobectomy of her left upper lobe.
On August 15th, just two weeks after her primary doctor’s call, Mary Elizabeth underwent a lobectomy after they found cancer in the spot in her lung. We spent that night at Tampa General. The next morning Dr. Sommers checked on her and found her doing well. He asked what she wanted to do. Mary Elizabeth was clear she wanted to go home. Dr. Sommers approved. We went home just twenty-four hours following her operation.
At home we found a second miracle. The first miracle was the surgery and how well it went given the lack of trauma to her body. The second occurred when our house filled with flowers, get well cards, letters, phone calls, and meals brought to us and sent to us. This miracle was the work of our Koinonia (fellowship) community at the Church of the Ascension. The outpouring of caring and love lifted her up. It lifted me up too. I cannot express how grateful we were for the support and love we received. I urge every one of you in this community, or in one like it, not to underestimate the power of your caring and love. What may seem small to you was huge to us.
The fourth day after we got home Dr. Sommers nurse called to report that all the lymph nodes removed during the operation were negative for cancer. Dr. Sommers told us that Mary Elizabeth needs to be followed regularly for five years. If there is no recurrence of her cancer she will be considered cured. Her chances for a cure are 90 to 95%.
One more point. You will fall. We all will fall. There is no way to age and not to fall. It may be the loss of balance, the loss of memory, or it could be through cancer, heart disease, the loss of a loved one, anxiety or depression. The point is not about falling. It is about getting up and going on. The Japanese have an wonderful saying: “Fall down six times, get up seven.” When you are faced with this decision remember that you have the power of your church community (or similar support group including your family) behind you, taking the risk to show you their caring and love, and God is always on the road ahead.

Please spread the word to anyone you think this message might help.

Doug Welpton, M.D.

Author of Attract Love, Intimacy & Money Website: www.attractloveintimacymoney.com
email: dougwelpton@hotmail.com and 727-442-9098

For information regarding The Episcopal Church of the Ascension at 701 Orange Ave., Clearwater, FL 33756, 727-447-3469 to speak with Alyce (pronounced Alice), email: alyceg@churchofascension.org.
Website: www.churchofascension.org
To contact Dr. Eric Sommers call 813-348-0810.
Website: flhls.com/physicians.php

Joan and Gerry were working on limiting their spending and staying within their budget using my twelve step Connecting Conversation.  They had downloaded the ebook for free from my website: www.talk2myheart.com.  As recommended, they had given each other rewards and appreciated their differences as a spender and a saver.  They were watching the tones with which they spoke, and sending “I” statements instead of “you” statements.

Joan wanted help for them about using thinking and feeling energy.  She knows she relates through thinking energy while Gerry uses feeling energy. She complained that at times she feels steamrollered by Gerry, like his energy gets the best of him.  He cannot contain himself enough to listen. She likened Gerry to a horse headed for the barn at the end of a long day.

Gerry acknowledged that he is an extrovert and knows he can get on a roll where he talks too much and doesn’t listen enough.  I talked to him about shifting from feeling energy with looser boundaries to thinking energy, like he would use when talking professionally with a colleague or speaking in front of a group.  Gerry laughed and responded that even in those situations he has been known to get carried away and not shut up when he knows he should.  He is clear that at times he offends Joan by talking over her and not listening to what she is trying to tell him.

I asked Gerry when he last got a ticket driving his car.  I surmised there was a very high probably he either got stopped for speeding or running a stop sign.  He blushed momentarily and asked, “How did you know?” He smiled but looked chagrined.  He continued, “I just got stopped this last week for speeding.  Now I have to go to drivers’ education class or pay a lot more for my car insurance.”

I asked him, “What was your energy like when you were talking with the police officer?”

“Oh,” he said, “I was on good behavior.  I kept my mouth shut and just listened.  I even said, yes, sir.”

I said, “From now on when Joan is talking with you about your finances I want you to see her as the police officer giving you a ticket.  Behave with her the same way you did with the policeman.”

Gerry laughed.  “I got it!” he said.  “I can do that!  Perhaps we should get a police hat for Joan to wear?” he quipped.

I replied, “If you start to talk too much and talk over her, you must buy her a police hat.  Keep it where you can hand it to her any time she says she needs it when you two are talking.”

To date this solution has worked.  When I last heard Gerry had not yet had to buy Joan the hat.

Gerry now has a way to get himself out of feeling energy and into thinking energy with better boundaries to contain himself.  He is listening to Joan, who feels encouraged about how they are discussing and managing their finances.