I started this reationship by having a one night stand (or so I thought) with him while i was with an older man (MD) who had no time for affection and didnt care what i was doing. I knew him briefly in college and remet in this akward way. i left the Md and the other man kept pursuing. he was sweet and left the girl i found out he was with for me… as the plot thickens, we live together now. i love him but am concerned with his relations in the past, as i have found videos and pictures of his gf’s. what do i do? he thinks i am crazy and tels me so, denies things that i know he has (videos) and wont let me touch his phone but he uses mine always. i am too old for bs. if this means hes not into me, i want to be free. he says he loves me and i ove him. i cant let go of the past he holds onto..
You need to know that relationships that start with a one night stand typically do not lead to a committed relationship. I am concerned that you may not feel good enough about yourself to feel you deserve a fully committed relationship. There is a lot of confusion in this relationship and a major problem with trust. I recommend you sit down with your partner to have a conversation about trust and where you are going with each other. Guidelines to have a Connecting Conversation with your partner are available in my free ebook at http://www.talk2myheart.com
im 16 and im in a relationship with a guy thats 26 and i love him too bits n my parents hate him cos he is much older and he cant come round and i have too go to his house without my parents knowing
what shud i do ?
I’m afraid you are headed for pain. You are hiding from your parents and creating problems between you and them. Do you not trust their advice? Why not? The chances of a long term relationship with a 26 year old are not good. You will learn a lot from this relationship but I expect you will go through a lot of pain along the way. Loving him to bits means your emotions are in charge of you. Use your head not just your heart to figure out what is best for you. Ask yourself: what is best for me long term in this relationship? Can I trust this man? Will he be there for me? What is the cost to my relationship with my parents? Follow your good sense.
# 31 August 2009 at 7:51 pm
Dawn said:
Dr. Welpton,
I am in a relationship with a great guy and we have been together for over a year. He is 30 and I am 28. I few concerns have slipped into my mind. I have no doubt that I want to be with him, but there are a few issues that may pose future issues:
1) He grew up very differently than I, not in a bad way, but we certainly have different backgrounds;
2) His parents have a very unhealthy lifestyle;
3) my boyfriend does not have post secondary education and I have many post secondary degrees.
I do not mean to sound pretentious, but my concerns are if we stay together that these issues will head in child rearing and parenting. Am I over reacting on these issues (I do have a tendency to over think issues). I want a family, but I want to raise a family similar to the way I was raised (which is different from him). I have talked about hints here and there with him, but where we are not even engaged it is a strange conversation.
Any advice you could provide would be helpful.
Hello Dawn,
I believe your concerns are well founded and you need to trust yourself and your intuitions. Every marriage brings together different people and some backgrounds are more diverse than others. Your questions about his parents’ unhealthy lifestyle and his lack of education compared to yours can be difficult issues in a marriage, even more so once children are involved.
I recommend you bring these issues up with him gently and slowly, trusting yourself about the timing. As you know, timing is everything.
If your relationship grows more serious, there will be more occasions to keep talking about these differences. Your discussions will let you know whether you can accept your differences and work on them together. He will have different ideas about how to raise children from yours because he was raised differently from you. How well can you discuss these issues? Do you hear each other? Can you come together over them or are you split apart?
Your answers to these questions will allow you to decide whether to marry him or not when the time comes.
My Connecting Conversation ebook with steps to use in talking about touchy subjects with your partner is available for free at my website: http://www.talk2myheart.com. You might find these tips useful for talking with your boyfriend.
My best wishes to you, Dr. Doug
# 12 November 2009 at 7:35 am
krystal said:
my husband and i were married at 18. we have a son together and we will both be 20 come may and june. he is in the army, before he left i felt like our relationship was falling apart and he almost seemed happy to leave. while he was in basic training we got so much closer and i finnaly felt like we were on the right track. after basic i went down to gorgia to be with him for a month while he went through airborn school. after that he flew to new york ware he was stationd and i was going to come up when we got a house. while we were apart for those two weeks we grew even further apart than we ever were before. it was almost like he didn’t even love me anymore. he said he dose and that was it. 2 weeks later he went to afganistan and i only heard from him about once a week and it was always a horible conversation. even on our aniversury all i got was a butt chewing. after he got home his mom died and all i wanted was to be there for him but it was like he didn’t want me to be. once again he flew back to new york and i flew home and about a month later after endless fighting and constent threts of devorce i moved up to new york with him. we are moved in to our house now and he works almost 5 days a week every week and when he is off for the weekends it seems like he would do anything to avoid talking to me or being near me. i cook, clean, and i do anything else that he asks me to. and i don’t get anything back. our sex life is nothing like it was before when we were just dating. and i dont know if its cus he dont want to be with me or if im just not good enough anymore or what and when i do try talking about anythink that envolves how im feeling all i get from him is what ever your stupid. can you tell me what he might be thinking and what i should try or do
Military life is very hard on a marriage given the threat of losing your husband in war and the separations that are inevitable with his service. He sounds like he is having a difficult time. I suggest you tell him that you are feeling pushed away and unwanted. Ask him directly whether he is having an affair. Ask him whether he wants to work on the marriage. You have a young son. Raising a child alone is challenging along with needing to work. It would be better for your son and for both of you to work out your problems, provided your husband wants to try. It is important that you recognize, however, that you will be ok on your own, that you do not need to hold onto a husband who is not interested in you and does not want to make your marriage work. Your situation is painful and difficult and requires your patience and persistence. Once you have a child your marriage is no longer simply between you and your spouse.
If you use prayer, it can help you to replace your worries with prayers.
# 29 March 2010 at 3:20 pm
Nadja said:
Dr. Welpton,
I am in a relationship with the most wonderful man I have ever been with in my life. He is patient, understanding and supportive. He is practically perfect for me and he truly is my best friend. For the first time I actually feel that someone loves me and has my best interest at heart. I believe that he is perfect for me and he is exactly what I need. Sounds perfect right? Well I dont feel that I am the same for him. I am jealous, insecure, needy, clingy, and over sensitive. If it were up to him we would never fight but I fight about the stupidest things. I believe that I am holding him back in life but he is so loyal and really believes that I will change and get better, so he wont leave me. I want to change and be a better person for him but it has proven to be much harder than I could ever imagine. Do you think it is possible for me to change, and truly change, because I have changed for a week and then it goes right back to my nonsense. Should I let him go?
Nadja you are trying to do your partner’s work for him. It is not for you to decide whether you are good for him, but only whether he is good for you–and you clearly think he is. By trying to do his work for him you will only make things worse for yourself, making you more insecure and over sensitive. The two of you sound like you make a good couple: he is practically perfect and you have all kinds of problems. You have all the problems and he has all the competence. Tell him it would help your relationship if he could have a few problems too. Then you could be relieved of having to express them all. Relationships are not perfect nor should they be expected to be.
Lauren,
You do sound very conflicted about your partner, like you can’t live with him and you can’t live without him. You are in a painful predicament.
First, I think you have good reason to have trust problems with anyone who would sleep with your best friend because he heard you were out on a date. If he was motivated by needing to control your relationship, it is clear he is desperate about being in control. Is that what you want in a partner? You need to be clear.
Second, your major problem is with yourself. You do not feel stable enough in yourself to count on yourself, and consequently you need him too much. Your dependency on him makes you vulnerable to have to stick with him no matter what. You need to work on yourself to feel better about yourself by affirming and esteeming yourself daily. We have not been taught to esteem ourselves and consequently feel we must depend on others, like your partner, for approval. That is “other esteem” not “self-esteem.” You will ride a roller coaster all your life when you depend on others to approve of you and value you. You need to learn to do this for yourself. I recommend you get Louise Hay’s book “You Can Heal Your Life” and start doing the daily exercises to love and approve of yourself, including using mirror-work to look at yourself as you do it. That will be a huge step forward for you. When you feel better about yourself you will make a better, less needy decision about choosing a partner. When feeling more worthy you may still chose your present partner, but you will do it from a position of strength.
Blessings and best wishes.
# 1 June 2010 at 10:33 am
steffy said:
hi Dr. Welpton
i’ve been in a relacionship for about 2 years already with my fiancee
am a 23 year old an he is 35 ….i know the age is a big diffrence but in the first shot in our relacionship we hitted off great no problems whats so ever …. after two years losing a baby which i miscarried about 5 months ago i feel our relacionship is falling apart not due to the misscarriage but due to his lifestyle– he is a heavy pot smoker an alcholic he spends all his hard earn money which i state like about 200 to 300 dollars a week smoking cannibis,,, which i dont find wrong but due to us living in a country thats illegal not to mention whats doing to him an our financial situation… he barely wants to have sex he wants to sleep instead of going out for a movie or drink– he been really cold to me—- he’s been threw alot dealing with his mom which he hasent seen for a year because of a huge fight they had , also because when i talk to him about how i feel an telling him whats going on with our relacionship …he falls into this deep depression an starts drinking alcohol till he passes out so at times i dont say anything to him for that reason,,,,
i really love him , but i feel like this is affecting me in a very hard way not to mention i’ve lost my self esteem an this hole situation has made me mentally ill — please doc i need advice it will mean so much
Hi Steffy,
No matter how much you and your fiance love each other your relationship will not go anywhere as long as he continues his addictions of alcohol and pot. Your self-esteem will continue to suffer as will your financial situation. You are not in a safe relationship right now to start a family.
I strongly urge you to find Al-anon meetings near you by phoning Al-anon or AA. Begin attending meetings immediately. This can be difficult because of the shame, but you will quickly find everyone at the meeting shares similar problems and will offer you support. If you don’t like the first meeting you attend try other Al-anon meeting until you find ones where you feel like you fit. Sometimes it takes as many as 6 different meetings. At the meetings find a sponsor as soon as possible–someone who has experience with addictions and can be available to you by phone on a daily basis to support you.
Your fiance needs AA and possibly NA (narcotics) to stop his addictions. Your sponsor and your Al-anon meetings will give you guidance about this.
Your first task is to help yourself. You cannot change anyone but yourself. Changing yourself is the best thing you can do for your relationship.
When you take responsibility to change yourself you will feel better about yourself.
Have courage and do not let your fears stop you!
Dr. Doug
# 25 July 2010 at 8:28 am
Leave your response!
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Audios CD1: Financial Infidelity & Money
CD2: Is my Partner the Right Person for Me?
CD3: To Stay or Not to Stay: Considerations before Divorcing
CD4: Stop Arguing for the Sake of Your Relationship
I started this reationship by having a one night stand (or so I thought) with him while i was with an older man (MD) who had no time for affection and didnt care what i was doing. I knew him briefly in college and remet in this akward way. i left the Md and the other man kept pursuing. he was sweet and left the girl i found out he was with for me… as the plot thickens, we live together now. i love him but am concerned with his relations in the past, as i have found videos and pictures of his gf’s. what do i do? he thinks i am crazy and tels me so, denies things that i know he has (videos) and wont let me touch his phone but he uses mine always. i am too old for bs. if this means hes not into me, i want to be free. he says he loves me and i ove him. i cant let go of the past he holds onto..
You need to know that relationships that start with a one night stand typically do not lead to a committed relationship. I am concerned that you may not feel good enough about yourself to feel you deserve a fully committed relationship. There is a lot of confusion in this relationship and a major problem with trust. I recommend you sit down with your partner to have a conversation about trust and where you are going with each other. Guidelines to have a Connecting Conversation with your partner are available in my free ebook at http://www.talk2myheart.com
im 16 and im in a relationship with a guy thats 26 and i love him too bits n my parents hate him cos he is much older and he cant come round and i have too go to his house without my parents knowing
what shud i do ?
I’m afraid you are headed for pain. You are hiding from your parents and creating problems between you and them. Do you not trust their advice? Why not? The chances of a long term relationship with a 26 year old are not good. You will learn a lot from this relationship but I expect you will go through a lot of pain along the way. Loving him to bits means your emotions are in charge of you. Use your head not just your heart to figure out what is best for you. Ask yourself: what is best for me long term in this relationship? Can I trust this man? Will he be there for me? What is the cost to my relationship with my parents? Follow your good sense.
Dr. Welpton,
I am in a relationship with a great guy and we have been together for over a year. He is 30 and I am 28. I few concerns have slipped into my mind. I have no doubt that I want to be with him, but there are a few issues that may pose future issues:
1) He grew up very differently than I, not in a bad way, but we certainly have different backgrounds;
2) His parents have a very unhealthy lifestyle;
3) my boyfriend does not have post secondary education and I have many post secondary degrees.
I do not mean to sound pretentious, but my concerns are if we stay together that these issues will head in child rearing and parenting. Am I over reacting on these issues (I do have a tendency to over think issues). I want a family, but I want to raise a family similar to the way I was raised (which is different from him). I have talked about hints here and there with him, but where we are not even engaged it is a strange conversation.
Any advice you could provide would be helpful.
Hello Dawn,
I believe your concerns are well founded and you need to trust yourself and your intuitions. Every marriage brings together different people and some backgrounds are more diverse than others. Your questions about his parents’ unhealthy lifestyle and his lack of education compared to yours can be difficult issues in a marriage, even more so once children are involved.
I recommend you bring these issues up with him gently and slowly, trusting yourself about the timing. As you know, timing is everything.
If your relationship grows more serious, there will be more occasions to keep talking about these differences. Your discussions will let you know whether you can accept your differences and work on them together. He will have different ideas about how to raise children from yours because he was raised differently from you. How well can you discuss these issues? Do you hear each other? Can you come together over them or are you split apart?
Your answers to these questions will allow you to decide whether to marry him or not when the time comes.
My Connecting Conversation ebook with steps to use in talking about touchy subjects with your partner is available for free at my website: http://www.talk2myheart.com. You might find these tips useful for talking with your boyfriend.
My best wishes to you, Dr. Doug
my husband and i were married at 18. we have a son together and we will both be 20 come may and june. he is in the army, before he left i felt like our relationship was falling apart and he almost seemed happy to leave. while he was in basic training we got so much closer and i finnaly felt like we were on the right track. after basic i went down to gorgia to be with him for a month while he went through airborn school. after that he flew to new york ware he was stationd and i was going to come up when we got a house. while we were apart for those two weeks we grew even further apart than we ever were before. it was almost like he didn’t even love me anymore. he said he dose and that was it. 2 weeks later he went to afganistan and i only heard from him about once a week and it was always a horible conversation. even on our aniversury all i got was a butt chewing. after he got home his mom died and all i wanted was to be there for him but it was like he didn’t want me to be. once again he flew back to new york and i flew home and about a month later after endless fighting and constent threts of devorce i moved up to new york with him. we are moved in to our house now and he works almost 5 days a week every week and when he is off for the weekends it seems like he would do anything to avoid talking to me or being near me. i cook, clean, and i do anything else that he asks me to. and i don’t get anything back. our sex life is nothing like it was before when we were just dating. and i dont know if its cus he dont want to be with me or if im just not good enough anymore or what and when i do try talking about anythink that envolves how im feeling all i get from him is what ever your stupid. can you tell me what he might be thinking and what i should try or do
Military life is very hard on a marriage given the threat of losing your husband in war and the separations that are inevitable with his service. He sounds like he is having a difficult time. I suggest you tell him that you are feeling pushed away and unwanted. Ask him directly whether he is having an affair. Ask him whether he wants to work on the marriage. You have a young son. Raising a child alone is challenging along with needing to work. It would be better for your son and for both of you to work out your problems, provided your husband wants to try. It is important that you recognize, however, that you will be ok on your own, that you do not need to hold onto a husband who is not interested in you and does not want to make your marriage work. Your situation is painful and difficult and requires your patience and persistence. Once you have a child your marriage is no longer simply between you and your spouse.
If you use prayer, it can help you to replace your worries with prayers.
Dr. Welpton,
I am in a relationship with the most wonderful man I have ever been with in my life. He is patient, understanding and supportive. He is practically perfect for me and he truly is my best friend. For the first time I actually feel that someone loves me and has my best interest at heart. I believe that he is perfect for me and he is exactly what I need. Sounds perfect right? Well I dont feel that I am the same for him. I am jealous, insecure, needy, clingy, and over sensitive. If it were up to him we would never fight but I fight about the stupidest things. I believe that I am holding him back in life but he is so loyal and really believes that I will change and get better, so he wont leave me. I want to change and be a better person for him but it has proven to be much harder than I could ever imagine. Do you think it is possible for me to change, and truly change, because I have changed for a week and then it goes right back to my nonsense. Should I let him go?
Nadja you are trying to do your partner’s work for him. It is not for you to decide whether you are good for him, but only whether he is good for you–and you clearly think he is. By trying to do his work for him you will only make things worse for yourself, making you more insecure and over sensitive. The two of you sound like you make a good couple: he is practically perfect and you have all kinds of problems. You have all the problems and he has all the competence. Tell him it would help your relationship if he could have a few problems too. Then you could be relieved of having to express them all. Relationships are not perfect nor should they be expected to be.
Lauren,
You do sound very conflicted about your partner, like you can’t live with him and you can’t live without him. You are in a painful predicament.
First, I think you have good reason to have trust problems with anyone who would sleep with your best friend because he heard you were out on a date. If he was motivated by needing to control your relationship, it is clear he is desperate about being in control. Is that what you want in a partner? You need to be clear.
Second, your major problem is with yourself. You do not feel stable enough in yourself to count on yourself, and consequently you need him too much. Your dependency on him makes you vulnerable to have to stick with him no matter what. You need to work on yourself to feel better about yourself by affirming and esteeming yourself daily. We have not been taught to esteem ourselves and consequently feel we must depend on others, like your partner, for approval. That is “other esteem” not “self-esteem.” You will ride a roller coaster all your life when you depend on others to approve of you and value you. You need to learn to do this for yourself. I recommend you get Louise Hay’s book “You Can Heal Your Life” and start doing the daily exercises to love and approve of yourself, including using mirror-work to look at yourself as you do it. That will be a huge step forward for you. When you feel better about yourself you will make a better, less needy decision about choosing a partner. When feeling more worthy you may still chose your present partner, but you will do it from a position of strength.
Blessings and best wishes.
hi Dr. Welpton
i’ve been in a relacionship for about 2 years already with my fiancee
am a 23 year old an he is 35 ….i know the age is a big diffrence but in the first shot in our relacionship we hitted off great no problems whats so ever …. after two years losing a baby which i miscarried about 5 months ago i feel our relacionship is falling apart not due to the misscarriage but due to his lifestyle– he is a heavy pot smoker an alcholic he spends all his hard earn money which i state like about 200 to 300 dollars a week smoking cannibis,,, which i dont find wrong but due to us living in a country thats illegal not to mention whats doing to him an our financial situation… he barely wants to have sex he wants to sleep instead of going out for a movie or drink– he been really cold to me—- he’s been threw alot dealing with his mom which he hasent seen for a year because of a huge fight they had , also because when i talk to him about how i feel an telling him whats going on with our relacionship …he falls into this deep depression an starts drinking alcohol till he passes out so at times i dont say anything to him for that reason,,,,
i really love him , but i feel like this is affecting me in a very hard way not to mention i’ve lost my self esteem an this hole situation has made me mentally ill — please doc i need advice it will mean so much
Hi Steffy,
No matter how much you and your fiance love each other your relationship will not go anywhere as long as he continues his addictions of alcohol and pot. Your self-esteem will continue to suffer as will your financial situation. You are not in a safe relationship right now to start a family.
I strongly urge you to find Al-anon meetings near you by phoning Al-anon or AA. Begin attending meetings immediately. This can be difficult because of the shame, but you will quickly find everyone at the meeting shares similar problems and will offer you support. If you don’t like the first meeting you attend try other Al-anon meeting until you find ones where you feel like you fit. Sometimes it takes as many as 6 different meetings. At the meetings find a sponsor as soon as possible–someone who has experience with addictions and can be available to you by phone on a daily basis to support you.
Your fiance needs AA and possibly NA (narcotics) to stop his addictions. Your sponsor and your Al-anon meetings will give you guidance about this.
Your first task is to help yourself. You cannot change anyone but yourself. Changing yourself is the best thing you can do for your relationship.
When you take responsibility to change yourself you will feel better about yourself.
Have courage and do not let your fears stop you!
Dr. Doug
Leave your response!
Can’t Stop Arguing? Want Help! Get It HERE
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CD1: Financial Infidelity & Money
CD2: Is my Partner the Right Person for Me?
CD3: To Stay or Not to Stay: Considerations before Divorcing
CD4: Stop Arguing for the Sake of Your Relationship
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