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Am I in the Right Relationship

3 February 2009 30 Comments

How do I know if this is the right relationship for me?

Listen to Dr. Welpton’s answer;

30 Comments »

  • s said:

    I started this reationship by having a one night stand (or so I thought) with him while i was with an older man (MD) who had no time for affection and didnt care what i was doing. I knew him briefly in college and remet in this akward way. i left the Md and the other man kept pursuing. he was sweet and left the girl i found out he was with for me… as the plot thickens, we live together now. i love him but am concerned with his relations in the past, as i have found videos and pictures of his gf’s. what do i do? he thinks i am crazy and tels me so, denies things that i know he has (videos) and wont let me touch his phone but he uses mine always. i am too old for bs. if this means hes not into me, i want to be free. he says he loves me and i ove him. i cant let go of the past he holds onto..

  • drwelpton (author) said:

    You need to know that relationships that start with a one night stand typically do not lead to a committed relationship. I am concerned that you may not feel good enough about yourself to feel you deserve a fully committed relationship. There is a lot of confusion in this relationship and a major problem with trust. I recommend you sit down with your partner to have a conversation about trust and where you are going with each other. Guidelines to have a Connecting Conversation with your partner are available in my free ebook at http://www.talk2myheart.com

  • shophie said:

    im 16 and im in a relationship with a guy thats 26 and i love him too bits n my parents hate him cos he is much older and he cant come round and i have too go to his house without my parents knowing
    what shud i do ?

  • drwelpton (author) said:

    I’m afraid you are headed for pain. You are hiding from your parents and creating problems between you and them. Do you not trust their advice? Why not? The chances of a long term relationship with a 26 year old are not good. You will learn a lot from this relationship but I expect you will go through a lot of pain along the way. Loving him to bits means your emotions are in charge of you. Use your head not just your heart to figure out what is best for you. Ask yourself: what is best for me long term in this relationship? Can I trust this man? Will he be there for me? What is the cost to my relationship with my parents? Follow your good sense.

  • Dawn said:

    Dr. Welpton,
    I am in a relationship with a great guy and we have been together for over a year. He is 30 and I am 28. I few concerns have slipped into my mind. I have no doubt that I want to be with him, but there are a few issues that may pose future issues:
    1) He grew up very differently than I, not in a bad way, but we certainly have different backgrounds;
    2) His parents have a very unhealthy lifestyle;
    3) my boyfriend does not have post secondary education and I have many post secondary degrees.
    I do not mean to sound pretentious, but my concerns are if we stay together that these issues will head in child rearing and parenting. Am I over reacting on these issues (I do have a tendency to over think issues). I want a family, but I want to raise a family similar to the way I was raised (which is different from him). I have talked about hints here and there with him, but where we are not even engaged it is a strange conversation.
    Any advice you could provide would be helpful.

  • drwelpton (author) said:

    Hello Dawn,
    I believe your concerns are well founded and you need to trust yourself and your intuitions. Every marriage brings together different people and some backgrounds are more diverse than others. Your questions about his parents’ unhealthy lifestyle and his lack of education compared to yours can be difficult issues in a marriage, even more so once children are involved.
    I recommend you bring these issues up with him gently and slowly, trusting yourself about the timing. As you know, timing is everything.
    If your relationship grows more serious, there will be more occasions to keep talking about these differences. Your discussions will let you know whether you can accept your differences and work on them together. He will have different ideas about how to raise children from yours because he was raised differently from you. How well can you discuss these issues? Do you hear each other? Can you come together over them or are you split apart?
    Your answers to these questions will allow you to decide whether to marry him or not when the time comes.
    My Connecting Conversation ebook with steps to use in talking about touchy subjects with your partner is available for free at my website: http://www.talk2myheart.com. You might find these tips useful for talking with your boyfriend.
    My best wishes to you, Dr. Doug

  • krystal said:

    my husband and i were married at 18. we have a son together and we will both be 20 come may and june. he is in the army, before he left i felt like our relationship was falling apart and he almost seemed happy to leave. while he was in basic training we got so much closer and i finnaly felt like we were on the right track. after basic i went down to gorgia to be with him for a month while he went through airborn school. after that he flew to new york ware he was stationd and i was going to come up when we got a house. while we were apart for those two weeks we grew even further apart than we ever were before. it was almost like he didn’t even love me anymore. he said he dose and that was it. 2 weeks later he went to afganistan and i only heard from him about once a week and it was always a horible conversation. even on our aniversury all i got was a butt chewing. after he got home his mom died and all i wanted was to be there for him but it was like he didn’t want me to be. once again he flew back to new york and i flew home and about a month later after endless fighting and constent threts of devorce i moved up to new york with him. we are moved in to our house now and he works almost 5 days a week every week and when he is off for the weekends it seems like he would do anything to avoid talking to me or being near me. i cook, clean, and i do anything else that he asks me to. and i don’t get anything back. our sex life is nothing like it was before when we were just dating. and i dont know if its cus he dont want to be with me or if im just not good enough anymore or what and when i do try talking about anythink that envolves how im feeling all i get from him is what ever your stupid. can you tell me what he might be thinking and what i should try or do

  • drwelpton (author) said:

    Military life is very hard on a marriage given the threat of losing your husband in war and the separations that are inevitable with his service. He sounds like he is having a difficult time. I suggest you tell him that you are feeling pushed away and unwanted. Ask him directly whether he is having an affair. Ask him whether he wants to work on the marriage. You have a young son. Raising a child alone is challenging along with needing to work. It would be better for your son and for both of you to work out your problems, provided your husband wants to try. It is important that you recognize, however, that you will be ok on your own, that you do not need to hold onto a husband who is not interested in you and does not want to make your marriage work. Your situation is painful and difficult and requires your patience and persistence. Once you have a child your marriage is no longer simply between you and your spouse.
    If you use prayer, it can help you to replace your worries with prayers.

  • Nadja said:

    Dr. Welpton,

    I am in a relationship with the most wonderful man I have ever been with in my life. He is patient, understanding and supportive. He is practically perfect for me and he truly is my best friend. For the first time I actually feel that someone loves me and has my best interest at heart. I believe that he is perfect for me and he is exactly what I need. Sounds perfect right? Well I dont feel that I am the same for him. I am jealous, insecure, needy, clingy, and over sensitive. If it were up to him we would never fight but I fight about the stupidest things. I believe that I am holding him back in life but he is so loyal and really believes that I will change and get better, so he wont leave me. I want to change and be a better person for him but it has proven to be much harder than I could ever imagine. Do you think it is possible for me to change, and truly change, because I have changed for a week and then it goes right back to my nonsense. Should I let him go?

  • drwelpton (author) said:

    Nadja you are trying to do your partner’s work for him. It is not for you to decide whether you are good for him, but only whether he is good for you–and you clearly think he is. By trying to do his work for him you will only make things worse for yourself, making you more insecure and over sensitive. The two of you sound like you make a good couple: he is practically perfect and you have all kinds of problems. You have all the problems and he has all the competence. Tell him it would help your relationship if he could have a few problems too. Then you could be relieved of having to express them all. Relationships are not perfect nor should they be expected to be.

  • lauren said:

    i have been the a relationship now for 3 and a half years with this guy and since i’ve been with him my life has changed, in a good way mostly. I’ve calmed down a lot and have found stability with him. I completed an access to teaching course and i am hoping to go to university after i finish next year’s course. I didn’t go to school very much so i’ve never been in education before really. I was a hard experience but worth it and i plan to carry it on and make the most out of it. I’ve figured that i’m taking one step closer to my goal as my education should lead on to a good job. Me and my partner are planning on saving to buy a house next year as well. We have also talked about starting a family together. He already has two children from a previous relationship and i have a very good relationship with them. I absolutely idolize them, their great kids and there still only very young. I’ve been in their lifes since they were 1 and 2 so they don’t remember anything but us together. I didn’t expect to get serious with this guy when we first meet but it is. He is like my best friend, the person I’d phone if anything was going wrong or if i’d had really good news to share. I really do love him but It hasn’t always been good between us. I found im un-supporting before in the past and we’ve had our differences. He slept with my friend after one night of us breaking up last year. I broke up with him and i was out with another guy. My friend called him and told him that i was staying in a hotel for the weekend with someone else and asked him to come over. she had lied but I did arrange to go out for dinner with this person. i realised after the first 5 minutes that it all felt wrong for me so this guy and i chatted as friends and i went home. My boyfriend told me in the morning that he had slept with my friend. He looked more devastated then i did about it as i was determined not to let it get to me. I think he has always had control in our relationship as he had always been the one to leave me in the past. Nothing major, he would always be back the next morning. I think that he slept with my friend so he could take control of the situation because i was out with another guy. The thing is it doesn’t bother me what happened. The girl isn’t pretty and has nothing on me so i didn’t feel any jealously there. It was more about where i was going to live, who was i going to rely on for help with anything and how i was going to cope on my own again. Obviously i was going to miss him but i knew that would just fade away anyway. I don’t have any family that i can rely on around me and i just wanted to feel stable. I ended up getting back with him a month later. It just seemed like the easiest option for me at the time. He was always coming around, he took a job next door to me. I felt like he had blown my whole life out the water and i had been there before so i was quick in putting everything back in its place including him. Now we’re back together and everything is good again but sometimes i feel confused about what i want. When i’ve been here before i always try and push him out of my life. Its like i want two different lives one on my own with my degree living on my own and one with him. He knows that i want to study and move away and he wants to come with me. I do love him but with the way our conversations are going lately there’s is a lot of commitment involved and i don’t know if i should trust him and plan my life with him or keep my distance until i’m able to leave. We get on great most of the time. He’s not abusive or violent in anyway. He works a lot and does his share of things around the house most of the time. I do love him and i know he loves me. I feel really indecisive and i don’t know why. I’ve tried to push him out of my life in the past but i just end up hurting myself. What’s wrong with me? why do i keep doing this to us?

  • drwelpton (author) said:

    Lauren,
    You do sound very conflicted about your partner, like you can’t live with him and you can’t live without him. You are in a painful predicament.
    First, I think you have good reason to have trust problems with anyone who would sleep with your best friend because he heard you were out on a date. If he was motivated by needing to control your relationship, it is clear he is desperate about being in control. Is that what you want in a partner? You need to be clear.
    Second, your major problem is with yourself. You do not feel stable enough in yourself to count on yourself, and consequently you need him too much. Your dependency on him makes you vulnerable to have to stick with him no matter what. You need to work on yourself to feel better about yourself by affirming and esteeming yourself daily. We have not been taught to esteem ourselves and consequently feel we must depend on others, like your partner, for approval. That is “other esteem” not “self-esteem.” You will ride a roller coaster all your life when you depend on others to approve of you and value you. You need to learn to do this for yourself. I recommend you get Louise Hay’s book “You Can Heal Your Life” and start doing the daily exercises to love and approve of yourself, including using mirror-work to look at yourself as you do it. That will be a huge step forward for you. When you feel better about yourself you will make a better, less needy decision about choosing a partner. When feeling more worthy you may still chose your present partner, but you will do it from a position of strength.
    Blessings and best wishes.

  • steffy said:

    hi Dr. Welpton

    i’ve been in a relacionship for about 2 years already with my fiancee
    am a 23 year old an he is 35 ….i know the age is a big diffrence but in the first shot in our relacionship we hitted off great no problems whats so ever …. after two years losing a baby which i miscarried about 5 months ago i feel our relacionship is falling apart not due to the misscarriage but due to his lifestyle– he is a heavy pot smoker an alcholic he spends all his hard earn money which i state like about 200 to 300 dollars a week smoking cannibis,,, which i dont find wrong but due to us living in a country thats illegal not to mention whats doing to him an our financial situation… he barely wants to have sex he wants to sleep instead of going out for a movie or drink– he been really cold to me—- he’s been threw alot dealing with his mom which he hasent seen for a year because of a huge fight they had , also because when i talk to him about how i feel an telling him whats going on with our relacionship …he falls into this deep depression an starts drinking alcohol till he passes out so at times i dont say anything to him for that reason,,,,
    i really love him , but i feel like this is affecting me in a very hard way not to mention i’ve lost my self esteem an this hole situation has made me mentally ill — please doc i need advice it will mean so much

  • drwelpton (author) said:

    Hi Steffy,
    No matter how much you and your fiance love each other your relationship will not go anywhere as long as he continues his addictions of alcohol and pot. Your self-esteem will continue to suffer as will your financial situation. You are not in a safe relationship right now to start a family.
    I strongly urge you to find Al-anon meetings near you by phoning Al-anon or AA. Begin attending meetings immediately. This can be difficult because of the shame, but you will quickly find everyone at the meeting shares similar problems and will offer you support. If you don’t like the first meeting you attend try other Al-anon meeting until you find ones where you feel like you fit. Sometimes it takes as many as 6 different meetings. At the meetings find a sponsor as soon as possible–someone who has experience with addictions and can be available to you by phone on a daily basis to support you.
    Your fiance needs AA and possibly NA (narcotics) to stop his addictions. Your sponsor and your Al-anon meetings will give you guidance about this.
    Your first task is to help yourself. You cannot change anyone but yourself. Changing yourself is the best thing you can do for your relationship.
    When you take responsibility to change yourself you will feel better about yourself.
    Have courage and do not let your fears stop you!
    Dr. Doug

  • Leanne said:

    Hi Dr Welpton.

    I am a 25 year old female, and have been dating my ex partner for about 6 years and have known eachother for as long as 8 years. As he is 11years older than me i sometimes think about is this right for me. My mother has always thought if certian aspects about him were better, which curently still are not has made a big influence on my mixed feelings.

    I consider him to be my best friend in life and no matter how i feel or where i am he will always be there for me.
    As we have been seperated for just shy of a year now i have had still close contact. He has a daughter of 14 now and needs to prioritise his responsibilities and stop bad habits. He is a very caring and beautiful person and i think most of the time he is so unsetteled is because i have been afraid to fully commit.

    He unconditionally loves me and i do love him. I just dont know if i am trying to make it work becuase of how much he loves me and wants us to work. Or i have just been holding back trying to gather my feelings about him are.
    My father recently passed and i hope i am going to make decisions for the right reasons..
    Thank you for your time.

  • drwelpton (author) said:

    Hi Leanne,
    It is important for you to take the time you need to make the very important decision whether this man is the right man for you. It sounds like your mother’s concerns about him as a partner make sense to you.
    The fact that your father recently passed is another reason to take your time. It is best not to make important decisions when you have just lost one of your parents and need time to grieve.
    I do not know what caused you and your partner to separate but there were reasons. You need to ask yourself whether anything has changed about those reasons to make you not separate again in the future. You do not mention the specifics but make clear he has bad habits and problems with his responsibilities. Be careful with the loss of your father and the consequent change in your family that you do not react by jumping into a commitment. Remember the old saying: “Marry in haste, repent in leisure.” My best wishes to you.

  • Sam said:

    Hi Dr. Welpton,

    I am a 21 year old college student and I have been in a relationship with a 31 year old man for about a year. I care about him very much but it seems like we are encountering the same obstacles again and again without overcoming them: I am too clingy for him, he is too cold and distant for me. He gets very upset if I try to talk about misunderstandings, and often feels that I am blaming him for something. He doesn’t seem to have very much patience with me, and is easily angered. He has even gotten angry with me over what I consider to be demonstrations of love and assistance. He is terrible at communicating his feelings and would rather stew when he feels I’ve wronged him than talk to me about it. When I try to talk to him about our relationship, he gets very defensive and acts as if I am making molehills into mountains. I do believe that part of the problem comes from my low self esteem – I need his constant approval and affection, and when there is a lapse, I get very sad. But his temper and constant sarcasm (which he insists is not serious, but because of my sensitivity it hurts) exacerbate the problem. Thank you for your time.

  • drwelpton (author) said:

    Your conflicts with your partner are not unusual as a distancer and a pursuer: you cling and he pushes away.
    You fear abandonment and he fears being smothered. Identifying this “dance” can help you see it when it runs your relationship.
    He is the minimizer and you the maximizer; he makes mountains into molehills and you do just the opposite.
    The most important first step you can take is to learn to esteem and value yourself by telling yourself “I am enough and I matter. I love and approve of myself. God (or whatever you call your higher power) loves and approves of me unconditionally.”
    You need to grow less clinging by becoming more dependent on yourself. The introduction and first chapter of my book tell you how to do this: http://www.attractloveintimacymoney.com. Sarcasm is serious because it attacks your self-esteem. Sarcasm comes from a Greek word that means “to tear flesh.” Insist that he stop shaming you with sarcasm if he wants to improve your relationship. If he can’t stop, you need to think twice about a long term relationship that shames and abuses you.
    When you are working to build up your self-respect do you want to be with a partner who tears it down?
    My best wishes.

  • Joleen said:

    Hi,

    I am 24, dating a boy of the same age….but he is European. I am from America, so we are in a long distance relationship. We were together the whole summer, and I spent about a month over there this fall….now we are back to video chatting. I have a chance to teach over there beginning in January, but I am hesitant to take the job because I am not 100% sure about the relationship.

    On paper, we are great together, enjoy the same things, we dont get sick of eachother, we love spending time together, and he’s my best friend–we are always laughing together. These are the positives….The negatives are that our relationship will continue to be complicated however long this lasts. We’ve only been together 5 months, but I’ve been around the block enough to know that this is the easy part and it only gets harder. I may be a bit of a commitment-phobe as it is, but I worry if we are right for eachother…I know nothing can be perfect, but when we fight he completely shuts me out, and I like to talk and get over it asap….This is not that bad,as we don’t fight that much, but it’s annoying none the less. Also as much as we like to do activities together, all the things that make me who I am–the books, movies and music I like ( I am a pretty artsy person and heavy into these things), he doesn’t really appreciate the same things I do. I guess I always pictured myself with someone who could share my love of quirky movies and different music…..

    So the question is, do I forfeit this image in my head that I’ve had forever (I’ve never had luck finding the WHOLE package) or do I truck on in this long distance relationship with a guy who treats me well and I have a lot of fun with? I just feel like I’m missing that deeper connection with him is what it comes down to….any thoughts are much appreciated.

  • drwelpton (author) said:

    Hi Joleen,
    I am glad for you that you have been around the block enough, as you said, to know that relationships get more difficult following the thrill of falling in love. You are right, too, that there are and will be negatives in any relationship because no relationship or marriage is perfect. Being a “commitment-phobe” can result from having unrealistic expectations and expecting your relationship to be easy like in the movies. In fact it is our expectations that get us into difficulties. There is a wise observation which says: expectations are premeditated resentments. In my experience marriage raises our expectations of each other, which creates more conflicts with our spouses.
    The truth is that it is the incompatibilities in our relationships that ask us to grow and give us that opportunity. Marriage, as I see it, is a spiritual journey in which two people bring together different family traditions and rituals (like how to celebrate Christmas or Thanksgiving), different mindsets (your worldview or beliefs or values like how you raise children or deal with money), and promote growth in each other to work out these conflicts. It is not unusual for one of you to be the talker and the other the listener. If you listen to your partner with an open mind using empathy rather than judgment, you will usually get him to talk more–especially when you tell him you appreciate understanding his point of view even when you don’t agree with it.
    Having your partner come from another country can bring more differences into your relationship based on your different backgrounds. Tell him that you need to dialogue when you have differences because it won’t help to stop talking about them or sweep them under the rug. Insist on talking when you have a conflict and take turns who starts. Use my free ebook on how to have a Connecting Conversation about difficult subjects like money or sex. The process is the same no matter what issue you are discussing.
    Since you love spending time together and enjoy many of the same things, and especially since he is your best friend, I encourage you to take the risk of making the trip. You will give yourself an unusual opportunity to learn many things in a different country with the opportunity to teach there. It means a lot that he treats you well and you have fun together. Time will give you the chance to find out whether your connection can go deeper. Intimacy comes through sharing more with each other and requires that you both make yourselves more vulnerable. You can phone me at 727-442-9098 or email me at if you want a consultation.

  • Anna said:

    Dr. Welpton,
    I met this man at my first real job,he ended up being the general manager. My mother had gotten me this job and the first day I pull in, I see smokers around the building, after all this was a career at the fast food restraunt. Anyways, this man proceeded to send me text msgs and in my eyes flirt with me. I had just gotten out of a relationship and was vulnerable. Come to find out he has texted some other females as well, but not like he had me. He was married. At first my thinking was okay this man is around 12 years older then I, although I am still legal, and he can allow me to make more money and give me more hours, not to mention buy me alcohol. Soon I became attached to this man. I never had become instantely attached to anyone, but for some reason this man I did. We had alot in common, and I will even say he was not the most handsome man I have ever seen but something about him just drew me near. He divorced his wife, this was his second divorce he had been through, and we began to see each other more often and date. Basically we fell in love. I am in college and was raised in a very nice well to do household with many morals, and he chose the army. He now is in the reserves, and jobless. When I had met him he was one of the nicest men I have ever came across, and cared for everyone, now he has changed. We have shared some great memories, and great times, and many bad times as well. Although I will admit to ruining much of the first part of our relationship but I finally realized that and changed completely to being a very nice person. Now, we argue constantly. I have very little trust in him for past females who has texted him or contacted him via email or facebook. He has tried to hide it from me, and erases his texts so I cannot read them. He claims he only deletes them because he had “a convo with a male friend that his male friend wanted him to promise he would not show anyone.” I can respect that IF he didn’t tell me the same thing a few days prior to that, and he ended up telling me the whole story. So he already told me what was going on, and then he says he doesn’t want it in his phone incase I read it? The thing is, if it was a male, a male I actually knew, I woudl have no intrest reading it anyways, I am not a stalker who checks his p hone, in fact I never had. He ALWAYS told me I could check it whenever I wanted, for months he told me that, I never did. FINALLY, I decide to and notice he deleted everything, of course I can look whenever because he deletes everything. Everytime something like this or something I feel damages our relationship comes up, I want to mention it, half the time I hold back, the other half, I try to tell him “look this hurts me, don’t you see I feel like I can’t trust you” and he still takes defense and immediately somehow places blame on me and tells me that I have done wrong, therefore he is allowed to do what he does. Then I say something along the lines of well your now admitting to doing wrong he says NO but you do wrong all the time. And therefore, in the end all that is accomplished is that I am now convinced I am some demon person who does bad all the time. He switches it up and it always is my fault. The thing is, he used to NEVER do this, and he claims he is “now sticking up for himself” and claims that I have bashed him for months “now he is taking up for himself” and all he is doing is being a complete liar about everything. I know we have been through rocky times, but I know how we began was very rocky, but the way we began and what we have been through is so abnormal and different, that it just feels so right. I truly love this man, but I feel like he is emotionally tearing me down, and verbally abusing me. Not to mention he has anger issues. He has punched a hole in the wall, punched an oven, kicked a door in, slammed doors in my face, thrown objects, but not once has he ever hit me. I do not know what to do, I do not know if it is worth it or not. I can not even speak to him because it causes more problems. Right now we mutually decided we do not work, and we are not speaking.

  • drwelpton (author) said:

    I apologize I just saw your letter for the first time today. My answer may not apply to where you are now. But the first thing I can tell you is you have no foundation for a committed intimate relationship until you have trust. Without trust you cannot get anywhere. You first need to set aside time for talking regularly to see whether you can develop trust for each other. I would advise you to stop your sexual relationship until you can trust your partner. To talk without blaming each other is the only way you will develop more trust. Set the rule that you will talk without blaming, without complaining, and without justifying yourselves and see how that goes.

  • Clare said:

    In every relationship I always question and feel uncertain about whether the relationship is “right” for me. Most people and indeed most articles I have read would say if you are feeling that way, it indicates it ISN’T right for you. Yet I wonder, whether my doubt or scrutinisation comes from my unsettled childhood and fear of repeating the mistakes in relationships my mother made, as I question every relationship i am in and indeed most aspects of my life and feel it isn’t necessarily a comment on the person/relationship to consider whether something might be right or not.

    My partner and I are thinking about having children soon and as that would indicate, I love him very much. I think, since deciding more seriously, about trying for children I have started to worry and scrutinise our relationship and whether we are “right” for each other.
    Tony and I are very different people and we have had to work through a lot and at times I question if we are just too “different”. We have most common shared interests, he makes me laugh and we are very loving towards each other. We have had major arguments and even seperated for a short while-but following this i do feel that he made extra effort and so did I, to take on board what the other was saying to make things work.
    However- Our long term goals and values are quite different and at times this concerns me and adds to my questioning of this relationshop being “right” or not. I want to develop in my career and earn a fairly decent amount of money-Tony is supportive of this, but content with his lot…I find Tony interesting but at times not always inspiring as he doesn’t like to push himself and I admire people that do. Friends relationships seem to “match” or “flow” more than ours does…and i continue to worry! when is something right and when is something not?!!!!!! Eternally confused…

  • drwelpton (author) said:

    I am concerned for the long term about the differences in goals and values you describe. You need to be clear with yourself whether it is all right with you to be the principle breadwinner and to earn most of your family income while you are simultaneously raising your child? That is a lot for you to take on and you could well end up feeling resentment when Tony is taking it easy. Differences in goals and values do not go away and usually become more burdensome to a relationship over time.
    If you are not married I recommend you have Tony sign a legal contract that commits him to a level of child support when you do have a child. Too many men disappear from the family when the responsibilities of raising a child confront them.
    You will not repeat your mother’s mistakes because you are so aware of them, but you will make other mistakes you don’t foresee. We all do. The challenge is to see them sooner rather than later and take on changing the mindsets that cause them. My book can be helpful to you with this process.
    Do not try to change your partner–it doesn’t work. Change yourself and you will change your marriage/relationship but make sure first that you are willing to live with your differences with Tony for a lifetime because you will live with them once you have a child together even if you come apart.
    Doubt and fear undermine peace and calmness. Eternal confusion is debilitating. Read the article I just posted on this blog-site regarding the Law of Attraction because parts of it are relevant to you and your persistent doubts.
    With my best wishes.
    .

  • Clare said:

    Dear Dr Welpton-thank you for your response and I have read your Law of Attraction article with interest, the points you discuss definitely make sense to me. I will also look at your book with interest.

    Many many thanks

    Clare, UK

  • drwelpton (author) said:

    Clare,
    I am pleased that you got my book and found it is helping you as well as read my just posted article on the Law of Attraction.
    If you follow each chapter and do the work it requires it will change your life. I know, because it changed mine.
    My very best wishes,
    Dr. Doug

  • Shankar said:

    Hi Dr. Welpton,

    Well, I am in a relationship with a woman who is seven older than me. I am 27 years, never married and no kids. We met online and went on date and felt that we are perfect for each other and proposed and accepted. Now we are in love and had thought about marrying each other. She has two kids, one is 15 and one 6 from different fathers. Now, that I am exploring her past little by little, I found out that she was in relationship with 6 other men, one of them she married and divorced and others never married. I am the seventh in her life. She said all the six men she was in relationship were cruel, cheated on her all the time and abused her way too much even though she gave her whole heart and self completely. Now, I am in such a confused situation that, Is she correct to me because she’s been around with lot of men and I am just 27 and I can’t really imagine myself as being a step father to kids and one of them who is just as younger as 10 years to me. To be honest, because of health and her age, she can’t even have kids no more. I just asked her about her past relationships, wanted to know what exactly happened with all them six men, but she was not willing to share anything with me and she said I am asking her to relive all that by asking. All she say is that, “If you love me, love me that I am now and the one that was in the past”. I feel like I am trapped and I am so depressed. I feel like there is no way to go. I really don’t know what to do. Please help me on this.

    Thank you!

  • drwelpton (author) said:

    Shankar,
    You are right to be asking your partner about her past with 6 other men because expecting things to be different with you is what we all do while falling in love, only to find out we tend to repeat the patterns of the past after we have been married a few years. It sounds like the woman you love has been traumatized and consequently does not want to talk about the past perhaps because of Post traumatic stress disorder. But the past will not just disappear. You are not trapped. You are trapped only if you trap yourself with your own expectations. Find out more about this woman you love and claim your freedom to make the decision based on taking good care of yourself. If you do not take care of yourself first you will not be able to take care of anyone else, or you will do it only to resent that person by sacrificing yourself.
    My best wishes to you!

  • Dave said:

    Dr. W,
    I am currently living apart from my wife of 7 years. No children together, but we she had three and I, one, when we married.
    We have been dating each other, and can really seem to enjoy being together. Then, she will flip a switch and say we need to be apart. I find her to be kind hearted, and sweet, but she seems to accuse me of being inconsiderate and untrustworthy (and purposefully mean?), if I am late or when I schedule a tennis match. Often, over the years, she has totally ignored me for periods – due to being upset about something. Then, while I’ve left her alone during that period – I am accused of not caring. Neither of us are cheaters or have any drug or alcohol issues. I love her, but we can’t seem to compromise. Her compromise is 100% her way.
    She has OCD (admittedly) and I am probably ADD. I’m 45 she is 38. While she says she loves me, we seem to have poor communication and misunderstandings. I would like to have a future with her as she has many qualities I want in a mate (we are still married), but her issues regarding trust and what I call always looking to be slighted/feelings hurt are a constant. Following a wonderful time together, she will break it off and then we go days or weeks not talking. The reality is I consider myself to be a glass half full person and she seems to be seeing it half empty. All the Eckhart Tolle stuff and Toltec wisdom/ relationship stuff I give her is ignored or received as if I am insulting her. I don’t know what do to.

  • drwelpton (author) said:

    Hi Dave,
    There are clearly communication and empathy problems in your 7 year marriage.
    It is always easier to see our partner’s problems than our own. Our eyes look outward not inward. At least 9 out of 10 people in a marriage or relationship believe if there partner would only change everything would work out.
    Here is the problem: there is only one person in this world you can change, and it’s not your partner. Each of us needs to take our own inventory and sweep our side of the street.
    The problem with blaming our partner is that we don’t grow, and we give all the power to our partner–like they are the only one who can change.
    The quickest way to change your life is to not blame anyone else and to take complete responsibility for anything you ever said, did, thought, or felt. You will be amazed how rapidly you change, how much better you feel for owning the truth, and how you provide your partner a model for changing.
    If your partner is going to change it will happen more rapidly through her/him seeing you change and wanting for themselves what you have. When we admire someone for their integrity, wisdom, taking responsibility we want to be like them.
    If you do what brings you self-respect and don’t do anything that costs you your self-respect you will give yourself the greatest favor you can get in your life.
    Can I always live up to all of this? No, I slip too, but I feel and do my best when I get back on track.
    Thank you for your sharing.

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