Advice in Love Relationships

From Dr. Doug Welpton

Financial infidelity or sexual infidelity: which is worse?

9 July 2009 10 Comments

For many people sexual infidelity is the ultimate betrayal. Financial infidelity or cheating with money– in which one spouse spends the couples’ joint money without telling the other– is every bit as dishonest. You are being betrayed through money. Many therapists and lawyers observe it is even more difficult to recover from financial infidelity than sexual infidelity. Your spouse is spending money that also belongs to you on someone else. The challenge to restore your trust is every bit as difficult as it is with sexual infidelity. You also are faced with loss of the money you thought you could count on. With gambling and other addictions like drinking, drugs, and compulsive shopping the money you thought you had for retirement may have been spent! Emotional infidelity in which sex is not included involves financial infidelity too.

10 Comments »

Financial Infidelity: Is Your Marriage at Risk? - CBS MoneyWatch.com said:

[...] racked up thousands of dollars in credit card debt can be a marriage killer for some couples, warns Dr. Doug Welpton, a Clearwater, Fla. based psychiatrist and family [...]

# 16 July 2009 at 12:33 pm

Ruth Houston said:

Financial Infidelity can take many forms. It can range from harmless financial fibbing like lying about how much you spent for a purchase, to serious financial deception like keeping a secret bank account, or major misrepresentation of your financial status. Are you – or your spouse — guilty of financial infidelity? Take the Financial Infidelity Quiz at http://bit.ly/2ttty to find out.
Sometimes financial infidelity can even be a sign of sexual infidelity. More about that at http://bit.ly/hobAS

# 11 August 2009 at 3:48 am

Dana said:

My husband has committed many different forms of financial infidelity throughout our 24 years of marriage. I’ve stayed because of the kids and his “promise…this is the last time”. I’ve had enough. But my question is, how do you find out if your spouse has a secret bank account? I suspect it, but can not find any records of this (like I did the other signs). Is there a way to track down a secret bank account?

# 15 October 2009 at 2:17 pm

drwelpton (author) said:

I recommend you connect with Ruth Houston, who specializes in all the different ways spouses commit financial infidelity. Her website is linked to this website. One link to Ruth is: Take the Financial Infidelity Quiz at http://bit.ly/2ttty to find out. I hope this will help you. I would appreciate knowing what you find out about discovering secret bank accounts. Thank you, Dr. Doug

# 16 October 2009 at 7:42 am

Secret Credit Cards and Other Marriage Breakers - CBS MoneyWatch.com said:

[...] According to the survey, 18% of participants are guilty of this sin. Last summer, I interviewed Dr. Doug Welpton, a Clearwater, Fla. based psychiatrist and family therapist, about financial infidelity. At the [...]

# 23 July 2010 at 6:05 am

drwelpton (author) said:

Stacey,
I agree with you that spouses are forgiving and that honesty is worth the risk. Spouses are more forgiving when you take complete responsibility for your wrong doing, as in hiding purchases or credit card debts. Without trust over money marriages are compromised and become less committed if they last. Dr. Doug

# 23 July 2010 at 9:29 am

Lorraine said:

I think that financial infidelity is worse than sexual infidelity. My husband committed both and I had forgiven him for most of his actions. However he had piddled away our life savings and in doing so we had accrued a significant amount of credit card debt. We had to contact a Consolidation Credit Counseling company. It became too much to handle and I didn’t want to file for bankruptcy knowing we were going to have to put our kids through college soon. He really set us back and I can’t forgive him for that.

# 27 August 2010 at 7:21 am

drwelpton (author) said:

Lorraine,
The downside of not forgiving your husband is that you hold onto the anger and resentment, and it affects you, your body and nervous system. Forgiveness allows you to let go of the cord of anger and resentment that bonds you to the person who hurt you, in this case your husband. To maintain daily resentment and anger costs you. Forgiveness does not mean forgetting. You continue to hold your husband accountable for his actions and are aware he could repeat his infidelities, especially if he has not made an amends that includes a commitment to change his ways.

# 3 September 2010 at 8:02 pm

drwelpton (author) said:

Hi Lorraine,
The problem with not forgiving your husband is that you will remain attached to him through the cord of resentment that binds you by remaining angry and resentful.
Forgiving him is for you, to release you from the resentment that otherwise keeps you bound to him and his irresponsible behavior with your finances.
Release yourself and go on. Make the best financial plans you can for putting your kids through college. Your husband needs to be accountable to you and your children for the problems he has created for helping them with college.

# 28 September 2010 at 7:00 pm

Debt Management said:

The truth is sadly, that they are both important. Yet, at the same time I don’t think it should take anybody by surprise. If you look how we are biologically engineered as humans, we value stability as a staple of our needs hierarchy. Financial stability is the instinct of maintenance and comfort while sexual stability covers reproduction. In a relationship, these are both critical elements. I’ve seen both personally – and they are a lot more related than most would bear credit for.