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You can Recover from Infidelity. Marriage is Not Obsolete.

23 February 2011 2 Comments

Ernestine Hendricks and I discuss common challenges in marriage including infidelity and why marriage is not obsolete on
Affairs are a prominent cause for divorce in today’s marriages. Affairs arise from disconnection in a marriage. Spouses stop talking with each other, stop sharing what’s important. Women feel loved and valued through the connection that comes with sharing. Men want to feel respected for their opinions and their achievements.
When we stop feeling loved, valued, respected, or appreciated we tend to go elsewhere. We find someone else when we don’t discuss the problem with our spouse. Someone else is always available. Invariably there is someone else who is searching for love or respect.
There is an old saying: “Money goes where it’s treated best.” The same is true for people. We gravitate to where we feel appreciated, valued, and loved.
Sexual affairs are not as much about sex as they are about emotional connection, about feeling wanted, desired, respected, and valued.
Infidelity begets a raft of excuses. We justify it because of what our spouse did nor did not do. The very act of needing to justify our behavior speaks to our guilt and shame. Infidelity is a failing to honor a commitment. When we dishonor a commitment, we dishonor ourselves.
The love we lost or dishonored during the infidelity can return. I have seen it happen. Reconciliation is hard work. There is much pain and guilt and shame to be digested. Both partners have their work to do. Blame is not the issue. If blame remains the issue, no reconciliation will truly occur.
With God’s help love can return. It is the grace of God that we count on to rehabilitate and restore us, to rise beyond our failings, to become the best that is in us.
The kingdom of God is within us. We need to grasp it, grapple with it, and express it. We can recommit ourselves to a failed commitment. With God all things are possible, including repentance and the resurrection of love.


  • lovewithlove said:

    I totally agree with the infidelity can be forgiven, but once the it is done it is hard for many people to come over it… just with love and understanding… and to really forget the topic in case the couple decide to stay together.. if not .. it would be really hard.

  • drwelpton (author) said:

    Yes, forgiveness is very challenging. It is perhaps our greatest challenge. It is the way to peace and reclaiming our love. To forgive we have to let go of our anger and resentment. As long as we hold onto them we are chained to the person we are resenting. Forgiveness frees the forgiver to go on with his or her life. We do it for ourselves. We must do it with our whole heart, not just with words. Forgiving is not forgetting. We cannot erase memories, but when we remember the offense it is time to resume letting go by focusing our minds on what is positive between us and our spouse who offended us.

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